Lab report is in.
Looks bad, but not junk levels of bad. Sample was taken in the middle of draining, pretty sure gas floats on oil? Should I just consider my oil change a "flush" now and replace it again without ever running it, or should I just replace it next year after ~500mi? I'm thinking the second, mostly to help reduce metals in the oil, and the first seems unnecessary.
Flashpoint estimate that I made up (-40F gas, 380F oil, (170F-(-40F))/(380F-(-40F))) gives me about 50% fuel, which makes sense because I had 3.2qt of 'oil' instead of 1.8qt of oil. Metal in the results does not inspire confidence, which is expected with fuel (especially so much) in the oil since it'd just wash away the oil from the bearings.
I wonder if this would've caught fire if someone tried to run it, since it'd be below the coolant temp. Maybe that's what all the burnt rubber is from on the carbs!