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Old February 11th, 2009, 10:36 PM   #1
ninjabrewer
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Jokes?

Can we have joke of the days on here? If so, here is one:


A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
> >> 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The
> >> Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
> >>
> >> The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi '
> >>
> >> Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start
> >> tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
> >>
> >> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
> >> store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought
> >> something from you today?
> >>
> >> The kid says 'One.'
> >>
> >> The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
> >> a day. How much was the sale for?'
> >>
> >> The kid says '$121,237.65.'
> >>
> >> The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
> >>
> >> The kid says,'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
> >> medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him
> > a
> >> new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
> >> said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we
> >
> >> went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston
> >
> >> Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
> > so
> >> I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4
> >> Expedition.'
> >>
> >> The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
> >> him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
> >>
> >> The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
> >> and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

If we can't have jokes............... disregard.

nb
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Old February 11th, 2009, 10:50 PM   #2
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Lol nice....

This is the only one that comes to mind....

A guys talkin with his friend at the bar. He says to es friend, "I CANT BELEIVE IT MAN youll mever beleive what my girl called me last night."
"Whats that" said the mans friend"
"She called me a petophile!"
"Jeeze! Whad you say"
"I told er thats a pretty big f#%@ word for a twelve year old."


Lol I work with a mechanic at my dock. The guys not right in the head but he tells the funniest jokes. Hes a ball breaker too. Told me another one right after this he goes a petophiles walking into the woods with a little boy and the little boy goes, Im starting to get scared!...To wich the petophile responde your tellin me kid, I gotta walk outta here by myself.

Lol sorry if these offend anyone. I got a kick out of em
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Old February 11th, 2009, 11:17 PM   #3
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Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go!" We went to lunch we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there...on the couch...








naked.
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Old February 11th, 2009, 11:25 PM   #4
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Gee thanks




Now I have beer on my computer screen.


That was good
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Old February 12th, 2009, 08:38 AM   #5
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Hehehe Nice.
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Old February 12th, 2009, 02:45 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aloh View Post
she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
naked.
Since she was changing and it was his birthday...might as well get into his "birthday suit"!
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Old February 12th, 2009, 07:08 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lavid2002 View Post

Lol sorry if these offend anyone. I got a kick out of em
I thought they were pretty funny! My sense of humor is pretty screwed up thou......... you can tell from some of my post.


And yes, I let these two rip at dinner tonight. Went over kinda nice
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Old February 12th, 2009, 08:13 PM   #8
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and

that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
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Old February 12th, 2009, 09:33 PM   #9
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not really a joke but i found this to be quite funny

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Old February 12th, 2009, 09:55 PM   #10
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S A F E
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Old February 12th, 2009, 11:06 PM   #11
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more info on the South

North/South
*
If you are from the northern states and are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
*
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
*
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
*
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
*
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
*
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
*
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
*
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
*
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
*
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
*
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
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Old February 14th, 2009, 03:28 AM   #12
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.


The couple had been married almost 50 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I
think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.


The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 3 years ago and I'm scared to death to
ask her what it is!
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Old February 14th, 2009, 08:03 AM   #13
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LOL I did not see that coming!
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Old February 15th, 2009, 02:03 PM   #14
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What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?






















A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:20 PM   #15
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The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS
What's for dinner?

SAFER
Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST
Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE
Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS
Are you wearing that?

SAFER
Wow, you sure look good in brown!

SAFEST
WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE
Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS
What are you so worked up about?

SAFER
I understand.

SAFEST
Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE
Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS
Should you be eating that?

SAFER
Oh look, there are apples over there. They look tasty!

SAFEST
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE
Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS
What did you DO all day?

SAFER
I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST
I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE
Here, have some wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favoriteone :

13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:23 PM   #16
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:27 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Countrygirl View Post


13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:30 PM   #18
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A teacher asks her class, ‘if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’ She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little Johnny says, ‘I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little Johnny replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,'’ but I like your thinking.’
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:34 PM   #19
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I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T .

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ….

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please.?

ME: May I ask who is calling.?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello.?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: That’s right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance.?

AT&T: Excuse me.?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.?

ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme.? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for .

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.?

AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?

ME: Yeth.?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T &T.?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)
No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up
for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that “Friends and Family” thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: click……..
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:35 PM   #20
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Real Classified Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:35 PM   #21
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:37 PM   #22
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After Mr. Berg retired, Mrs. Berg insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Berg was like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Berg was like most women, she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Berg received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Berg, over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Berg are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION - WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!” And last, but not least…

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Sincerely,
Walmart Management.
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:39 PM   #23
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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the Helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: “ME.”
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:42 PM   #24
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mmmmm, I love a adrenaline junky with a sense of humor.
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Death tugs at my ear and says, "Live, I am coming." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:42 PM   #25
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This is for all the Canadians out there.

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns.( USA )
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:49 PM   #26
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Chris.” Could I please speak with Robin Carter?”

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an asshole.”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

“Hello.”

“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”

Then I called Asshole #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, asshole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are.”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.

***I love this joke! I always laugh when I read it!***
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Old February 15th, 2009, 07:51 PM   #27
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Now this is based on personal experience and is actually true. It just shows how naive I really was.

I was quite naive and very innocent when I left home after high school. I moved to Calgary and began to enjoy my freedom from my strict parents.

My boyfriend Tok (yes, that’s his real name. His parents were flower children of the 60’s and they named him after their favorite thing) and I were making out on the couch at his place.

We were laying on the couch and he was grinding his groin into me as we were kissing.

I felt something hard press up against me and it bugged me.

I pull away and look at him. “What’s in your pocket?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“What’s in your pocket?” I query again.

“What are you talking about?” he asks not quite knowing what I’m referring to.

“Well, there’s something in your pocket that keeps on digging into me and it’s beginning to hurt. Can you take it out?”

He looks at me in disbelief.

“What is it?” I point to the bulge in his pocket.

“It’s a banana.” He says with a sly grin.

“A Banana!?!” I am so confused and exasperated. “Well, take the banana out of your pocket then, cuz it’s bugging me.”

“I can’t, maybe I’ll show it to you later,” he says and starts to kiss me again.

Not one to let things go I persist even further.

“Why do you have a banana in your pocket?” I ask again.

He chuckles and says, “I like warm bananas.”

“Really? You eat warm bananas? That’s weird! Why would you eat warm bananas? Don’t they get squished in your pocket? I mean I like bananas, but I only like them when they are firm, I don’t like them when they are soft with the black spots, cuz then they are gross……”

He began to kiss me again to shut me up…..

I never understood the banana bit until a few months later I had a different boyfriend, who showed me the "banana"… All of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head and I said, “OMG! I am such an idiot!”

If I ever see Tok again I’ll banish all thoughts to hide under a rock, go up to him, wink, smile and say, “You know what? I like warm bananas too!”
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Old February 15th, 2009, 08:04 PM   #28
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Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money......
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Old February 16th, 2009, 01:57 AM   #29
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
> they had shared all kinds of activ ities and adventures. Lately, their
> activit ies had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
> cards.
>
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
> but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
> can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
>
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________________________________
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Old February 16th, 2009, 02:00 AM   #30
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains [] of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two “test tickles.”
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Death tugs at my ear and says, "Live, I am coming." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)
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Old February 16th, 2009, 02:01 AM   #31
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.
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Death tugs at my ear and says, "Live, I am coming." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)
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Old February 16th, 2009, 02:05 AM   #32
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Why are married men heavier than single men?
Single men come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
__________________________________________________
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Old February 16th, 2009, 02:09 AM   #33
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One more then I am going to bed

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi
and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'

She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!'

The policeman fainted.
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:30 PM   #34
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HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:33 PM   #35
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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:36 PM   #36
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A border patrol officer is patrolling the border between the United States and Canada one night when a man drives up on a motorcycle. The officer stops the man and asks, "What do you have in that backpack there?" The man replies, "Sand." "Sand?" the officer says puzzled, "Please open the bag sir." The man opens the bag and there is sand. "Alright, you may go on your way then, the officer said with a puzzled look.” The man then drives off into the darkness. The next week, the same man on his motorcycle drives up to the same station that he did before. He says that there is sand in the bag and, sure enough, there is. The man drives up on a motorcycle with sand in his bag every week for a couple of months. The officer starts to think, "This guy is trying to smuggle something and I am going to be the one that catches him." The next time the man drives up to the station, the officer says, "I promise, I'm not going to arrest you. But just tell me. Are you trying to smuggle something or not?" "Do you swear you won't take me in?" the man replies. "I promise," says the officer. "Well, I am ashamed to admit it but, I have been smuggling something," the man says. The officer asks curiously, "What have you been smuggling?" The man replies with a grin, "Motorcycles."
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:37 PM   #37
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A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:39 PM   #38
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No offense intended with this one, I thought it was hilarious!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.


YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "


YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to vote
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Old February 16th, 2009, 10:46 PM   #39
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Have to get early to go to work, so this might be the last post tonight... maybe

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Old February 18th, 2009, 02:45 PM   #40
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excuses, excuses....

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
__________________________________________________
Death tugs at my ear and says, "Live, I am coming." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)
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