Need some advice...Marriage fail part II

[chef]

Hi Sean,hope it feels better you got the first conflict over with,no matter how much it hurt its gonna be the first of many steps in a long process but you seem to have a sensible attitude,like you said there are some things that there is just no coming back from & like me,it could save you a lot of heartache in the future.
Talk to as many friends & family as you possibly can & dont blame yourself,like they say..it takes 2 to tango,we are all responsible for our decisions.
While we may not be perfect,if you can believe that you did the best you possibly could during your time together,thats something to be proud of.
Not much else i can tell you mate,other than we CAN get through these hard times,ask for help & you will get loads,appreciate time with your kids.

[RhinoJC]

Everything is your fault, this is something she has convinced herself of to justify the infidelity and she'll never change her mind on it because it would require her to admit that she is at fault, so expect to hear it a lot. And before you even think for a second that she'll change, she won't. People don't change unless they can take responsibility for their actions, and infidelity is a great big sign that they aren't willing to do that. If she justified it once, she will justify it again. Whoever created the problems that caused this is irrelevant, she chose to destroy the marriage instead of fixing it, that's not your fault, it's hers.

Get a lawyer, a good one, and fight tooth and nail for your kids. She's obviously deemed her own needs to be greater than the needs of her family and that mentality will be taken out on your kids.

Find someone to vent to. Not someone who's going to tell you this or that, but someone that is just going to let you vent. Situations like this are the ones that really identify who your friends are.

As far as telling her about the emails, bad move. Her lawyer can nail you to the wall over stuff like that. If you have to snoop, which I don't blame you for in the least, don't get caught. Having unanswered questions and being lied to by someone you have completely trusted is almost as bad as it gets, I completely understand the feeling. Just remember that for every question that snooping answers, it will probably put another question in its place.

[bob706]

Originally Posted by RhinoJC

As far as telling her about the emails, bad move. Her lawyer can nail you to the wall over stuff like that. If you have to snoop, which I don't blame you for in the least, don't get caught. Having unanswered questions and being lied to by someone you have completely trusted is almost as bad as it gets, I completely understand the feeling. Just remember that for every question that snooping answers, it will probably put another question in its place.

I agree about the emails. I should not have said anything but it felt good kinda. I thought I had made some strides in not thinking of her as my wife but I did break down. You know, "how could you do this, who is this guy, whore, blah, blah". It did help to get it out of my system though.

[CThunder-blue]

Originally Posted by bob706

3am here. Venting. Earlier I told my wife that I hired an attorney. She gets mad (of coarse) and I also lay down the fact I know what she has been up to. She asks how I know and I tell her about her email. She doesn't admit to anything right away but eventually fesses up. So at this point I'm the biggest in the world. How dare I snoop around and how dare I talk to my friends about what's happening. See a pattern developing?

Anyway, she calms down and I tell it like it is. I lay all my feelings out on the table, tell her there is no coming back from what has gone on. She goes on to tell me that pretty much she is screwing this guy because she reached her boiling point. Basically, because I wasn't the most freaking perfect husband for 13 years. Through the coarse of this lastest talk/arguement I have determined that everything bad that has happened is my fault and everything wrong that she has done is my fault. At one point I think she did feel sorry for sleeping around but still ended up saying I pushed her to it.

I have come to the conclusion that her cheating has saved me from a miserable life. It will be worth the pain I have felt to be rid of her. While I have not been a perfect husband or father I will no longer be constantly reminded of my faults.

I don't know if this rambling makes any sense but it sure helps to get it out of my system.

At least you knew that she was going to blame you for everything and it wasn't a big shock. Whether or not you told her about the emails, it's the only sure fire way to make her realize you knew what was going on. Anything else would have been "word of mouth." And she could play it off like other people were making up stories.

[mrlmd]

I told you, others told you, that this would happen. She is going to blame YOU for everything, that you destroyed your marriage and pushed her to find "love" elsewhere, because you rejected her or treated her badly. Do not fall for that at all, that kind of projection is part of the sociopathic personality disorder of people who try and justify their cheating.
When I confronted my spouse about this same conduct, and she said "I have no remorse, no regrets, no qualms, get over it, it was the best year of my life", as bad as that was to hear that come out of her mouth, it was the most positive turning point in my life at the time because I realized my only fault was in trusting her, in loving her, and being so totally devoted to her I was losing my own life. That was the nail in the coffin for our marriage and I now knew how important it was to get her out of my life as quickly as possible. Even though that was a real traumatic shocker, it was a revelation, one of the happiest moments when I realized that, and definitely the happiest when the divorce was finalized and it was all over, like a gigantic relief. It was almost like saying to her back than "thank you for telling me that" (not really, what I wanted to hear was "I'm sorry, help me. Help me save our marriage").
One absolute warning for you - do not get into any confrontations with her at all - no arguing, yelling, throwing stuff - get away from that. She will call the police and you will be arrested for domestic abuse or she will get a court order to have you removed from your own house. 99% of the time, the wife wins in these arguments or complaints and you will have to leave. Try to avoid her if possible, talk as little as possible, only about your daughter maybe, not about the problem between the two of you. That's why you have a lawyer. It will have to be settled where each of you sleeps, but don't talk about other crap.
The "victim" in an affair, the betrayed spouse, has this insatiable urge to hear every detail, every meeting, how it started, who is this, where did you go, how many times did you "do" it, etc. Do not discuss this with her unless the two of you want to go to some real serious intensive counseling and she is willing to bear all as are you. It will only lead to a fight.
Go onto that BAN website I posted before and read about affairs.
Get your lawyer to file a complaint for divorce ASAP. You will be relieved, the process will begin, and you will tell her you are real serious about this.
Like I have on my FB page - "It is better to have loved and lost then to live the rest of your life with a psycho".

[YORCHI]

Good luck through all of this man. Keep your head up and stay strong and you will come out better off in the end. It sucks and it hurts like hell, the worst parts are when you're alone or not doing anything and all the thoughts start coming into your head.

The best advice I can give you is to remind yourself that you will be better off in the end and to keep pushing through all the pain and trouble. I know we don't know each other personally or anything like that but if you ever need someone to vent to who won't judge you at all, feel free to hit me up.

Good luck man, we're all here for you.

[Powerlogix]

Originally Posted by bob706

I agree about the emails. I should not have said anything but it felt good kinda. I thought I had made some strides in not thinking of her as my wife but I did break down. You know, "how could you do this, who is this guy, whore, blah, blah". It did help to get it out of my system though.

Sean, you will get through this. Also for your daughter I hope you both try not have confrontations that she can hear. Coming from divorce parents it scarred me and made me block some childhood memories I didn't want to remember. From what you've said you have a lot of self control, some people couldn't keep their cool like you would in a situation like this.

[mrlmd]

Another thought that sometimes pops up - you can always call Anthony and Vinnie from NJ and have them take care of the problem real quick, Then you'll feel better much faster.
(J/K,

(A little joke every once in a while may relieve the sorrow and pain.)

[bob706]

Originally Posted by mrlmd

Another thought that sometimes pops up - you can always call Anthony and Vinnie from NJ and have them take care of the problem real quick, Then you'll feel better much faster.
(J/K,

(A little joke every once in a while may relieve the sorrow and pain.)

Yo Vinnie, I gots a problem I needs you ta take care uveeee.

The jokes do help

[bob706]

Originally Posted by mrlmd

The "victim" in an affair, the betrayed spouse, has this insatiable urge to hear every detail, every meeting, how it started, who is this, where did you go, how many times did you "do" it, etc.

This is playing in my head on a constant loop now

[kkim]

Sean,

sorry to hear you're going through this.

everyone has given you some great advice. mine is something that I've not seen covered yet, but my advice is to go and see a psychologist/psychiatrist for your mental health. They say going through a divorce is right up there as a stressor with losing a family member. This is a time that you need to function with a clear a mind that the situation will allow.

Avoid confiding in friends and family... you never know how bad the advice they are giving until it's too late. A professional has seen/heard it all and can help you on the road to mental health recovery in what is to be a long period of adjustment and self realizations. If you have health insurance, you pay only the co-payment out of a $200 session... and you will have many sessions to resolve your feelings.

Take care to protect "yourself" for it is only when you are clear about what you are doing that you can proceed in a manner that will reflect actions that will protect you and your daughter in the future.

And remember... in divorce, it's "kids first". How you and your (soon to be ex) wife handle it will reflect deeply in the coming years for your daughter. Trust me on this one.

gl... you'll need it.

[CThunder-blue]

Originally Posted by kkim

Sean,

sorry to hear you're going through this.

everyone has given you some great advice. mine is something that I've not seen covered yet, but my advice is to go and see a psychologist/psychiatrist for your mental health. They say going through a divorce is right up there as a stressor with losing a family member. This is a time that you need to function with a clear a mind that the situation will allow.

Avoid confiding in friends and family... you never know how bad the advice they are giving until it's too late. A professional has seen/heard it all and can help you on the road to mental health recovery in what is to be a long period of adjustment and self realizations. If you have health insurance, you pay only the co-payment out of a $200 session... and you will have many sessions to resolve your feelings.

Take care to protect "yourself" for it is only when you are clear about what you are doing that you can proceed in a manner that will reflect actions that will protect you and your daughter in the future.

And remember... in divorce, it's "kids first". How you and your (soon to be ex) wife handle it will reflect deeply in the coming years for your daughter. Trust me on this one.

gl... you'll need it.

Make sure she's hot too

[bob706]

Originally Posted by CThunder-blue

Make sure she's hot too

Took me a minute but that's a good one

[CThunder-blue]

LoL. Sorry, I should have deleted the irrelevant parts of the quote.

[mrlmd]

Vent out on here and let your thoughts loose on here. Don't discuss this with your "friends", don't badmouth your "ex" to anyone, don't tell your boss, coworkers, bartender what's going on in your life, maybe not even your family right now. That's what us ninjas and ninjettes are for.

[bob706]

Done feeling sorry for my self and being blamed. I didn't do a thing wrong. I didn't betray my relationship. People make mistakes. Live and learn or curl up into a ball and have a pity party. I'm done. If she would have the courage to do it once and then tell me I truely think I could have taken her back. I am done trying to figure out what happened. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. I was in a dark place the last 48 hours. I haven't eaten hardly anything since I found out. But sure as the sun will rise in the morning I am done with this garbage. If not for the advice of my family and friends (everyone here qualifies as both) I most certainly would still be in that hell hole this woman made. Thanks for throwing me a line. The only thing I am looking forward to is a conclusion to this time in my life. Whether it's tomorrow or next year it will come. In the meantime tell the people in your life you love 'em

[Snake]

You have a great attitude towards all of this and are an inspiration to live by.

[Snake]

That is great advice drsketch. Excercising is good for the body and mind. Endorphines are a natural high.

[RhinoJC]

Originally Posted by drsketch

A good time to diet and tone up... You dont feel like eating, start doing pushups and situps and knock that fat off (if you have any) and feel better from looking better and finding a nice piece when everything is done.

Fixed

[chef]

Hahaha,some great advice,but evil.
You could always blow a wad on a holiday in Bali,you could be the only person ever allowed to ride the Ninja.
Great to see you being so positive.Keep your chin up,enjoy time with your child,they can make you not only appreciate every minute you have but also forget about the crap for a while.
Good travellin to you bro.

[DarkNinja52]

Originally Posted by bob706

Done feeling sorry for my self and being blamed. I didn't do a thing wrong. I didn't betray my relationship. People make mistakes. Live and learn or curl up into a ball and have a pity party. I'm done. If she would have the courage to do it once and then tell me I truely think I could have taken her back. I am done trying to figure out what happened. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. I was in a dark place the last 48 hours. I haven't eaten hardly anything since I found out. But sure as the sun will rise in the morning I am done with this garbage. If not for the advice of my family and friends (everyone here qualifies as both) I most certainly would still be in that hell hole this woman made. Thanks for throwing me a line. The only thing I am looking forward to is a conclusion to this time in my life. Whether it's tomorrow or next year it will come. In the meantime tell the people in your life you love 'em

You're stronger than I could've been in the same situation. Don't be afraid to vent, we'll be with you till the end and then even further.

[Liber]

Originally Posted by bob706

Done feeling sorry for my self and being blamed. I didn't do a thing wrong. I didn't betray my relationship. People make mistakes. Live and learn or curl up into a ball and have a pity party. I'm done. If she would have the courage to do it once and then tell me I truely think I could have taken her back. I am done trying to figure out what happened. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. I was in a dark place the last 48 hours. I haven't eaten hardly anything since I found out. But sure as the sun will rise in the morning I am done with this garbage. If not for the advice of my family and friends (everyone here qualifies as both) I most certainly would still be in that hell hole this woman made. Thanks for throwing me a line. The only thing I am looking forward to is a conclusion to this time in my life. Whether it's tomorrow or next year it will come. In the meantime tell the people in your life you love 'em

Though I'm sure you've experienced a broken heart before this, it helps to be reminded of some things:

Though I admire the attitude, and it is the correct one to have, you are in for a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Anger will only carry you so far. You will have your days where you doubt yourself and almost every decision you've made.

It's completely normal and you aren't alone. Re-establish relationships with friends and family that may have deteriorated during your marriage.

I think I might be OCD, because everytime a serious relationship has ended, I've gone on a tear to improve myself. Last time, I dropped 30 pounds from lost appetite, got in shape and started riding motorcycles I take failure in a relationship as a chance to re-invent myself and take steps toward who I really want to be. [snark] If I hadn't had my heart broken a couple of times, I probably wouldn't be the awesome individual I am today [/snark]

Seriously though, your wife did you a favor, and she won't be there to reap the benefits. tough sh**

[almost40]

I find it best to stay out of other peoples personal lives.
That being said.
Dont worry be happy

[Liber]

so, uhmmm, what happened here? any updates?

[bob706]

Doing paperwork. It should be this hard to get married, not divorced. I think my wife is mad that she has failed in her attempt to get me to fly off the handle so she can call the cops. You would think that a cheating spouse would be enough to send someone into a rage but after the initial shock wore off I couldn't be any more calm. Once everything is finished I'll post back up

[kyrider]

As Dr. Phil says, "I'd rather live on the street in a cardboard box and be happy than spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me miserable".

[azimmer11]

*tosses a rope down the hole and pulls sean out* you'll find it very light out here.

[CC Cowboy]

This gives new light to rentals. Have your fun and tell them to leave.

[mrlmd]

Originally Posted by kyrider

As Dr. Phil says, "I'd rather live on the street in a cardboard box and be happy than spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me miserable".

I thought it was "Better to have loved and lost than live the rest of your life with a psycho".

On a lighter note (needed), from today's paper--

[Liber]

I remember something of a joke based on a true story that a guy was told by a court he had to give his wife half of everything. So he went home to their trailer and chainsawed the trailer in half.

[SweetB]

Originally Posted by bob706

Doing paperwork. It should be this hard to get married, not divorced.

Agreed!!

[bob706]

update: Should be done on Monday We did the mediation thing last week. I will be buying her out of her half on the house, pay some of her lawyer fee and she gets half of a pityful retirement account. All I need is the judge to sign the paperwork and I'm done. We agreed on 50/50 custody with me paying child support. My lawyer said it was fair and that I actually got out fairly cheap.

[Jiggles]

Originally Posted by bob706

update: Should be done on Monday We did the mediation thing last week. I will be buying her out of her half on the house, pay some of her lawyer fee and she gets half of a pityful retirement account. All I need is the judge to sign the paperwork and I'm done. We agreed on 50/50 custody with me paying child support. My lawyer said it was fair and that I actually got out fairly cheap.

I don't understand this, why do men always have to pay child support but never the other way around? (I'm sure there's a few cases where it happens but lets be serious, its not common) Did your ex work? Did she make near the same amount of wages as you? And if you have 50/50 custody then why do you need to pay her half as well!?

When my dad when through his divorce (previous wife he is still with my mom) he had to pay child support, regardless of the fact that she made MORE money than he did. Never understood it. Never want to get married.

Good luck man, I'm sure the house is much more peaceful now

[Heed]

How are your kid(s) handling it?

I realized my mom prints out checks and noticed one of them was for $500 labeled "child support".

At least you seem to be doing okay. My dad got married twice and then divorced a second time when he threw a wine bottle at his wife.

She changed the locks on the house and now dad is living with grandma. What a waste of money.

[bob706]

The judge signed the papers this afternoon. Officially divorced! Thought I would be happy but I'm not. I liked being married, but it takes two to make it work so starting the next chapter fresh. I think I'll attempt the diy valve inspection to help take my mind off this whole mess. Thanks to all who had kind words. All the advice was much appreciated.

[ForceofWill]

Originally Posted by bob706

The judge signed the papers this afternoon. Officially divorced! Thought I would be happy but I'm not. I liked being married, but it takes two to make it work so starting the next chapter fresh. I think I'll attempt the diy valve inspection to help take my mind off this whole mess. Thanks to all who had kind words. All the advice was much appreciated.

Hope everythings going better for you and that you came out of it relatively unscathed. At least with this chapter closed, you can start building how you want and find somebody who truely appreciates you.

Someone say post-divorce Ninja mods for cool single dad?

[choneofakind]

Originally Posted by bob706

update: Should be done on Monday We did the mediation thing last week. I will be buying her out of her half on the house, pay some of her lawyer fee and she gets half of a pityful retirement account. All I need is the judge to sign the paperwork and I'm done. We agreed on 50/50 custody with me paying child support. My lawyer said it was fair and that I actually got out fairly cheap.

I'm very glad that you've come through this. One of my friends in high school went through this, and it was the darkest period we've seen him.

since you're paying child support, I would assume that means that the kids normally live with her and you just visit/pick them up right? If she was the one who cheated and the one who kicked one of your children out of their own bed every night and is the one who no longer owns the house where the kids are the most comfortable and will be least out of routine, why do the kids not live with you? How on earth did she argue that one?

The court system is set up for cheating husbands, not cheating wives. The sad part of it is, cheating wives normally go uncaught at cheating for longer than men do. Infidelity SUCKS; it's a true kick to the groin. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. But kudos for being a champ about the whole thing at least you're able to move onto the next chapter of your life with as little scarring as possible

[bob706]

Originally Posted by choneofakind

since you're paying child support, I would assume that means that the kids normally live with her and you just visit/pick them up right?

Our daughter will spend one week with her then one week with me. My lawyer said that would be less stressful for my daughter so I went with it. Even though I pay support, it's nothing compared to what other people pay. And I can get some satisfaction out of the fact that I only have 6 years till I'm finished paying my ex. My ex's first husband is still paying for her other two after 16 and 17 years!!!




The court system in Florida doesn't give a rats a** about anybody cheating. It's a no fault state. I got lucky (if you could call it that) because my ex agreed to mediation rather than letting a judge decide. To her fault, she should have gone with the judge because face it, husbands a majority of the time get the shaft. I could have ended up paying/losing alot more.

[bob706]

Originally Posted by ForceofWill

Someone say post-divorce Ninja mods for cool single dad?

Oh Hell Yeah

[Domagoj]

Originally Posted by bob706

Our daughter will spend one week with her then one week with me. My lawyer said that would be less stressful for my daughter so I went with it.

Uhh...
I don't want to make you feel bad, but...

First, there are the "physichal" issues of having to have everything double, or having to move in and move out every week.

And second, much more worse actually, is having to adopt to the new environment every week. In a few months most of the things (meaning: routines, behavioral patterns in the first place, and then real actual things like the milk or juice or food, or tv channels, or the speed of broadband or the type of matresses) you had in common with your now ex are probably going to dissapear, and as much as I can tell from your posts she already is someone completely different. If I were your daughter, I would not be comfortable switching lifestyles every week.

I did not catch how old your daughter is, but some things need to be constant in a life of a child. If she is over 20 that's another story, but I have a feeling she is not.