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Old December 19th, 2017, 10:09 AM   #1
adouglas
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Season's Greetings, everyone (funny)

A little something I wrote some years back. Enjoy!

Post-Christmas therapy session transcript
by Andrew Douglas

Look, it’s not as if I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I mean, what he did was really sweet in its own way, but it was just so…boneheaded.

Parts of it were really nice. Like the rings. Forty beautiful golden rings. What girl wouldn’t like that?

But the rest of it…well, there’s the noise for one thing. A dozen drummers banging away day and night, accompanied by twenty-two pipers. And did he have the good sense to send those merry pan pipers, you know, like the Pied Piper? Noooooo…he had to send bagpipers. Have you ever heard bagpipes played indoors? I think I’m going deaf in one ear.

Not only that, but the music gets the thirty lords all excited and they start leaping all over the place, crashing into the thirty-six dancing ladies – not to mention the furniture – and making a ruckus. My neighbors are ready to have me evicted!

And…trees. A whole grove of fruit trees. In the middle of winter. It’s not like I can go out and plant them or anything.

Then there’s the birds. Oh, the birds! Hitchcock ain’t got nothing on me, I can tell you. Listen…I’ve got to find enough water for forty-two swans to swim in. I’ve filled up the bathtub, all the sinks, and I’m using the toilet. And the toilet tank, too. And I’ve got another forty-two geese, plus thirty French hens, laying eggs all over the place, which the lords keep stomping on. It’s a mess.

The rest of the birds aren’t so bad, but there are so many of them. Thirty-six I-don’t-know-what-kind-of birds doing nothing but making noise (which, frankly, is drowned out most of the time by the drummers and the pipers). Twenty-two turtledoves, but they’re really placid and reasonably quiet, thankfully. And I hardly notice the dozen partridges, which spend their time perched in the trees.

But the worst of it…the milkmaids. Forty of ‘em. You know what that means, right? Cows. Forty flippin’ head of cattle. What do I look like, a dairy farmer?

I live in a studio apartment! What the heck am I supposed to do with forty Herefords?!?!??

It’s chaos. It’s those d*mned lords that are the real troublemakers. When they’re not doing their la-de-dah leaping routine, they’re trying to make time with the milkmaids. And they keep on trying to give dollar tips to the dancing ladies. I’ve tried to tell them that the ladies aren’t those kind of dancers, but they’re having none of it.

The whole crowd is eating me out of house and home. I suppose I could make omelets with the eggs, hand out the pears, cook the hens and feed them to the lords, serve some of the milk and make butter and cheese with the rest, and sell the rings to raise money for groceries. <*sigh*>

My true love? I hate the b*st*rd.
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Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.
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Old December 21st, 2017, 11:35 PM   #2
CaliGrrl
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Hahaha!
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