Jokes?

[workdaddy]

Here is one of my favs:

3 drums and a symbol fell down a cliff................ba doom boom tssshhhhh

[jpnfrk]

I just heard this one...

What do you get when you cross a chicken with an alley cat?

A peeping tom!! LOL!!

[Gregular]

A chemist walks into his store to see a pale man leaning against the wall.
He asks the shop assistant what's wrong with the guy.
The assistant replies "He came in to get something for his cough. I couldn't find any cough syrup so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead."
"You idiot!" replies the owner, "You can't cure a cough with laxative!"

The assistant replied, "Of course you can. Look at him.... he's too bloody scared to cough now!"

[Gregular]

This is the oldest joke I know, for some reason it's stuck in my noggin when not much else would

The joke does contain religious figureheads, but just uses them for a story, it's not meant to offend anyone. It's just a joke, but in today's climate where religion is such a hot topic and political correctness has sometimes gone mad, I can never be sure. And this forum does have an international audience. I certainly don't see it that way and don't intend to offend anyone.

One day, the Pope of Rome decrees that he wants all the Jews to leave, "They have to go. I've made up my mind"

But even the Catholics think this is wrong and there is a big uproar in the streets. So much so that the Pope buckles and agrees to a silent religious contest between himself and a chosen representative for the Jews.

If the Pope wins (which everyone expects - he is the Pope after all), the Jews have to leave.. If the Rabbi wins then the Jews can happily stay.

So on the chosen day, at the chosen hour.... they meet. The Pope and Rabbi Yoshi on behalf of the Jews.
There's huge gathering to watch events unfold and you could hear a pin drop as the Pope steps up to the plate. There's a wave of silence and expectancy.

The Pope stands tall and proud. And for his first argument he holds aloft 3 upright ringers.
The crowd trembles with anticipation... what will the Rabbi do?
Rabbi Yoshi looks angrily around and steps up, fiercely points with 1 finger.

The Pope seems surprised by this as if struck by an invisible blow, he hastily draws a circle around his his head.
The Rabbi is quick to follow... shaking his head he points firmly and repeatedly taps the ground.

Again the Pope recoils and in a last resort snaps a wafer and takes a sip of wine.
Now it's the Rabbi's turn to look confused and after a minute of rummaging, pulls out an apple and takes a bite.

"That's it!" the Pope shouts out, drawing the debate to an end and admits defeat. "The Rabbi has bested me, the Jews can stay"

There's alot of murmuring amongst both sides of the crowd and they hastily gather around their leaders to find out what happened.

The Catholics are in disbelief, "You're the Pope! How can you loose?"
The Pope shrugs unknowingly, "He was too good. He had an answer of for everything."
"First off, I tried to remind him of the Holy Trinity, but straight away he came back with, there's 1 common God. Brilliant!"
"Then I tried to answer that God is all around us, but again he bested me and reaffirmed that more importantly he's here with us right now. What could I do against that?"
"So lastly I produced the wafer and wine to show the he absolves us of our sins, and what does the Rabbi do...... he produces the apple. The original sin!"
"I could not do any more. The Rabbis was brilliant and the Jews can stay."

Meanwhile the Jews have gathered around the Rabbi and there is a different feeling amongst the crowd. "Well done Rabbi, you pulled that one out the bag! How'd you beat the Pope?"
"Well," replies the Rabbi, "I'm not entirely sure..."
"First off, he says we got 3 days to go, so I gave him the finger and says you can **** right off."
"Then he waves around his head, saying we can be anywhere but here. I'm like no way mate and point to the ground. Us Jews are staying right here!"
"And then I dunno what happened. I think we broke for lunch!"

[jpnfrk]

I heard this one back when I was in college... Has a religious figure, no offense intended, this is how I remember the joke:

St. Peter is informed by his Boss that Heaven is getting full and special measures are to be taken. Whenever a group of people arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter has to ask them how they died and the best story out of the group will gain admittance... the others won't be so lucky.

Three men arrive at the gate simultaneously. St. Peter explains the new rule and turns to one of the men:

"Well I was a window washer at a condo in Manhattan. A gust of wind throws me off balance and my pants get stuck on the side of the scaffold. I hear the terrible rip and as luck will have it I am able to grab to the ledge of a balcony a couple of stories down, albeit half undressed. Then a man comes out of nowhere and starts to hit my fingers with a shoe. I begin to fall again but luckily I land on the lobby's awning. As I struggle to get down I see a fridge heading my way and thus I'm here."

Absentmindedly St. Peter sighs and looks at the next man. "Well, you see, my neighbor always told me that when I was gone to work he could hear lovemaking noises coming from my apt. One day I decide to come home early and what do I find? My wife naked on the couch!! I look everywhere for the f----r and where do I find him? Hanging out the balcony half naked!! I take off my shoe and smash his fingers until he falls but instead of pavement he lands on the awning below. Enraged I push the fridge out the balcony and from the physical effort I get a heart attack, thus I'm here."

Everybody turns to the third man and with a sly grin he says: "Well I was just naked inside the fridge, minding my own business"

[ninjabrewer]

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?






















The answer is: "A Last Name."
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

[ninjabrewer]

A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."

[ninjabrewer]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer.
At the appropriate point in the process,
Told him that he would now have to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
Try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...


P....

E..

N.....

I.....

S.....


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:





PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[ninjabrewer]

Last one then I have to hit the sack.....

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a No rth Carolinamountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[jpnfrk]

I just read this one:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Biker Rabbit:

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was g*y" and took off like a bat out of h*ll.

[jpnfrk]

Happy Mailman

• It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
• At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
• At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
• When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
• "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Scr*w him. Give him a dollar.'

[jpnfrk]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

[jpnfrk]

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[workdaddy]

2 cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other & says

does this taste funny to you?

[Countrygirl]

These are all hilarious! Thanks everyone!

[ninjabrewer]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand

pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."



The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.



The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter every where,

then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter,

"Want coffee."



The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for upper management position in United States Government:

Come in, drink coffee, Shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up,

Disappear for rest of day."

[ninjabrewer]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
Shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
Receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
To look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

[Alex]

Not quite a joke, but a funny story that did make me chuckle today:

Original link.

When Your Credit Card Signature Fun Backfires
By Kingpin, on 15-12-2008 18:39
Views : 36980
Favoured : None
Published in : Articles, Humor

Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an asshole.

With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn't look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don't review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. For ****s sake, it could have been a stolen card.

I started out modest by signing with a line or an "X". Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy ****, drew pictures, etc. Here's a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:

I AM NOT KINGPIN
I STOLE THIS
**** OFF
**** YOU
WALMART SUCKS
CALL ME
CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON
MY BALLS ITCH
911
I'M A CRIMINAL
THANKS FOR THE STUFF

Today I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:

Yes, I know, it's not my best artwork, but I didn't have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit "OK", there was a pause. The register then said "COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD." One thought popped in my head: "OH ****!" It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my ****** drawing of cock and balls. The lady at the register didn't immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said "These signatures don't match."

At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn't matter. I probably didn't make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words "he drew a penis..." as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I'm out of breath from laughing and I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl.

Manager: Sir, your signature...heh...umm...doesn't match the signature on your card.
Kingpin: I know and there is a good reason for that.
Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine.
**The guy behind me bursts into laughter.**
Kingpin: Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. I've been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it.
Manager: I guess you learned your lesson.
Kingpin: Yeah, the credit card doesn't accept penis.
**The guy behind me now can't stop laughing.**
Manager: OK, I'm going to decline the signature and have you sign it again.
Kingpin: Fair enough.
Manager: This time, really sign it.

So I had to sign it again and they wouldn't let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had singlehandedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn't let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew cock and balls as his credit card signature.

So I have a plan now. I'm going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my cock and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really **** with them.

[ninjabrewer]

Originally Posted by Alex

Not quite a joke, but a funny story that did make me chuckle today:

Original link.

now that was good.

nb

[noche_caliente]

Originally Posted by Alex

Not quite a joke, but a funny story that did make me chuckle today:

Original link.

[jpnfrk]

Originally Posted by Alex

Not quite a joke, but a funny story that did make me chuckle today.

That was HILARIOUS!!!

[jpnfrk]

Alex, your post reminded me of this story:
================================================
Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

[jpnfrk]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

[ninjabrewer]

Originally Posted by jpnfrk

The clerk replies "Your house."

[ninjabrewer]

> A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
> 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially'
> and 'realistically'?'
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered,
> 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
> Pitt for a million dollars.
>
> Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
> Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother
> if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
> Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would
> you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
> The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
> really use that money to fix up the house and send
> you kids to a great University!'
>
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would
> you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
> The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
> would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would
> you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
> 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
> million bucks would buy?'
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
> then went back to his dad.
>
> His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
> between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied,
> 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
>
> But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

[ninjabrewer]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
> night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet
> parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
> They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
> the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
> out into the yard scoots back into the house.
> They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
> the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
> the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
> Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will
> be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be
> out soon. 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'
>
> A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.'Sorry I took so long',
> he says as they drive away. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to
> poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so
> I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
> from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
> her out into the back yard!'
>
> The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[workdaddy]

Two cows in a field...

One says "Moooo"

The other one says "You bastard, I wanted to say that!"

BaDoomCha!!

[ninjabrewer]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but
the Indian Embassy in Washington D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won
a convenience store, gas station, donut shop, taxi cab or a motel in the
United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer
telephones and provide America with technical advice.

[Countrygirl]

Oh my gosh. My tummy hurts from laughing so hard. These are hilarious!

[Gregular]

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large!

[ninjabrewer]

>
> A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When
> asked what the problem the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
> listing every problem they had and ever had in the 20 years they had been
> married.
>
> She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
> loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
> needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
>
> Finally, after allowing this to go on for some time, the therapist got
> up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced
> and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
> The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
>
> The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
> needs at least three times a week. Can you handle that?
>
> The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
> here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

[ninjabrewer]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She responds: "I can't see my a** coming into work today."

[ninjabrewer]

Fred and Mary get married in CA. but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.


Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'


He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

[ninjabrewer]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man
said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembledwith
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by check". "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man, saying "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[jpnfrk]

This one's from Dane Cook...

The Office Loner Guy:
I talk to that guy. I talk to that guy every f**king day. I find him to talk to him. I buy him little treats, I do. 'Hey, here's a Snickers. Take that. It satisfies. Enjoy the Snickers. Bye bye.' You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that day finally comes where he snaps and he comes into the office with an AK-47, walking through the halls, and he gets to my office, he's going to be like, 'Thanks for the candy.'

[jpnfrk]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[jpnfrk]

This one's old:

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

[jpnfrk]

All-Purpose Apology Letter:

Dear:
a) Family,
b) Sweetheart,
c) Assistant Principal,
d) Sergeant,

I am so very
a) sorry
a) damaged
b) ashamed
c) confused

about this whole
a) boondoggle.
b) wang doodle.
c) whatever I did that's making you so pissy.
d) "pressing charges" thing.

I simply could not control the
a) jet ski.
b) rocket booster.
c) Zamboni.
d) pods at the end of my arms and legs.

And while it is true that I should not have headed in the direction of your
a) white, suede loveseat,
b) Cub Scout troop,
c) wife,
d) priceless beer can artwork,

especially after consuming so much
a) sangria,
b) meth,
c) fresh air,
d) priceless beer,

it was all meant in fun!

The subsequent
a) carnage
b) soiling
c) shame
d) ongoing investigation

that I caused is, hopefully,
a) like, "whatevs."
b) covered by your policy 'cause I'm not insured.
c) beyond my comprehension -- and yours.
d) appreciated.

I humbly ask your forgiveness, though it is perfectly within your rights to
a) spank me.
b) blow up my spot.
c) claim my firstborn.
d) gouge out my eyes and feed them to your priceless koi.

Remember -- I am first and foremost your
a) only child.
b) BBF 4-eva.
c) co-signer.
d) kidney donor.

I hope that this clears up any hard feelings and
a) restores my inheritance.
b) puts us back in bed together.
c) brings you to your sanctimonious knees!
d) gets me off.

Sincerely,
Me

[ninjabrewer]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The
first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she
look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with
red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your
wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for
yours."

[ninjabrewer]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with
you and your wife...."