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Old June 28th, 2009, 08:21 PM   #121
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Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.

When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!
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Old June 28th, 2009, 09:36 PM   #122
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He's dead when he gets home lmao.
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Old June 28th, 2009, 09:59 PM   #123
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex View Post
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights
work?
I dunno if thats just supposed to be a joke, but the light would appear to stay in place on the bulb. Unlike a solid object, light moves at a constant speed and cannot go faster than the speed of light, no matter the speed at which the source is moving at.

Great jokes here, i'm surprised I've missed this thread for so long.
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Old June 29th, 2009, 07:55 AM   #124
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nickds7 View Post
I dunno if thats just supposed to be a joke, but the light would appear to stay in place on the bulb. Unlike a solid object, light moves at a constant speed and cannot go faster than the speed of light, no matter the speed at which the source is moving at.

Great jokes here, i'm surprised I've missed this thread for so long.


Yes, it's a joke. Most people don't get into the technical side of such things cause it RUINS THE JOKE!!!!

Party pooper.
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Old June 29th, 2009, 12:04 PM   #125
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!


"That must've been scary", said the teacher.


"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. and before he could say fck, the Rottweiler ate him!"
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Old June 29th, 2009, 01:30 PM   #126
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cute!
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Old June 29th, 2009, 01:35 PM   #127
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockNroll View Post
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!


"That must've been scary", said the teacher.


"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. and before he could say fck, the Rottweiler ate him!"
From the mouth of babes.
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Old June 29th, 2009, 09:30 PM   #128
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.


I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'


'What do they say?' the priest inquired.


They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'


That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying
That phrase . . In no time.'




Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.



After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.


Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Francis.
Our prayers have been answered!'
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Old June 30th, 2009, 08:56 PM   #129
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A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer.
He tried to remove the pen.
I told him to put a note on the printer.
Tell employees not to use the printer.
He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it.
I left before he finished the note.
Another co-worker needed to print something.
This is what they found.

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Old June 30th, 2009, 08:58 PM   #130
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Old July 1st, 2009, 05:38 AM   #131
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This is a great video... they "Sing" what is happening step by step...

Link to original page on YouTube.


Last futzed with by Alex; July 1st, 2009 at 10:20 AM. Reason: embedded the video
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Old July 3rd, 2009, 08:56 AM   #132
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The Hillbilly
> >
> >After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an
> >old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
> >stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen
> >one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How
> >about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture',
> >but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father.
> >So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the
> >fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get
> >suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her
> >husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
> >As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly woman
> >he's runnin' around with."
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Old July 3rd, 2009, 08:50 PM   #133
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workdaddy- I thought that was dumb till I got into it a bit. That is pretty funny!
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Old July 7th, 2009, 08:45 PM   #134
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"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, s&(t, so that's why no one was at church today."
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Old July 7th, 2009, 09:23 PM   #135
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When you have an 'I Hate My Job Day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy

and go to the thermometer section and

purchase a rectal thermometer made

by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing
and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control
department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE
OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS!
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Old July 7th, 2009, 10:50 PM   #136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by workdaddy View Post
This is a great video... they "Sing" what is happening step by step...

Link to original page on YouTube.

workdaddy that was funny as hell.....wut the effing crap, that angel guy just felt me up..lol
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Old July 11th, 2009, 08:45 AM   #137
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY





That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
Look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
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Old July 11th, 2009, 12:54 PM   #138
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Old July 12th, 2009, 07:34 AM   #139
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Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first turns to the second and says, "you've gotta go back and get the opener or else we've got no beer."

"No way," says the second turtle. "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," replies the first. "Just hurry."

Nine full days pass and still no sign of the second turtle. Finally, the other turtle digs into the sandwiches.

The second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells,
"I knew it! I'm not f*cking going!"
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Old July 12th, 2009, 07:38 AM   #140
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A preacher was walking along a street when he noticed a small boy sitting on the curb. The boy had a bottle of liquid and seemed fascinated with it. The preacher was curious as to what was in the bottle, so he asked the boy what was in the bottle?

The little boy looked up to the preacher and says "Preacher, what I have here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This is a bottle of turpentine!"

The preacher smiled and shook his head and said "No,no my child, you are wrong. The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy water, for if you would rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!"

The little boy just grinned and replied "Damn preacher, that aint nothing. If you was to rub a little of this turpentine on a cat's ass, it will PASS a motorcycle!"
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Old July 16th, 2009, 06:27 PM   #141
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Yesterday
> I was at my local Costco buying a couple of large bags
> of Kirkland Dog Food for our Greyhounds, Sheena, Spice, Angel, &
Smoke and was
> in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> What did she think I had, an elephant?
> So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, I was starting the Costco Kirkland Diet again. I added that
I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an in tensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was
essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants
pockets with Costco kirkland nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going
to try it again. (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt
and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of crazy things to say.
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Old July 20th, 2009, 04:01 PM   #142
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Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Wal-Mart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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Old July 20th, 2009, 08:29 PM   #143
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Elderly Couple Engagement

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

*Jacob: "Everyt hing for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

**Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Death tugs at my ear and says, "Live, I am coming." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)
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Old July 22nd, 2009, 10:42 AM   #144
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Motorcycle Ride


A 10-year-old girl was walking home from school one day, when a big man
on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while,
the biker turned to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for
a ride?"

"NO!" said the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The biker again pulled up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10
if you hop on the back."

"NO!" said the little girl as she hurried on down the street.

The biker pulled up beside the little girl again and said, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll
give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and
we will go for a ride."


Finally, the little girl stopped, turned toward him and screamed out...

"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! YOU RIDE IT!"
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Old July 23rd, 2009, 05:49 PM   #145
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My friend sent me this today and though it was very funny...

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.
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Old July 27th, 2009, 10:13 AM   #146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueTyke View Post
Motorcycle Ride


A 10-year-old girl was walking home from school one day, when a big man
on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while,
the biker turned to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for
a ride?"

"NO!" said the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The biker again pulled up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10
if you hop on the back."

"NO!" said the little girl as she hurried on down the street.

The biker pulled up beside the little girl again and said, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll
give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and
we will go for a ride."


Finally, the little girl stopped, turned toward him and screamed out...

"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! YOU RIDE IT!"
__________________________________________________
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Old July 27th, 2009, 10:25 AM   #147
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.



The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,



'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...

How much water did you drink!?'
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Old July 27th, 2009, 12:44 PM   #148
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Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:
> >
> > THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO
> > BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨
> >
> >
> >
> > A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
> >
> > To Whom It May Concern:
> >
> > Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).. They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a
> > wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
> >
> > Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them.....where is IT ? Therefore, they don't have kids
> > either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
> >
> > The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
> >
> > P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of
> > chocolate
> > with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
> > So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
> >
> >
> > Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am...¨
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Old July 28th, 2009, 07:03 AM   #149
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.


A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind"


"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Old August 27th, 2009, 10:23 PM   #150
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Tony ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well,Tony, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Tony walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
__________________________________________________
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Old August 27th, 2009, 10:26 PM   #151
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Saw this on another site, loved it.

Things to remember when selling your Harley Davidson:

Did you know 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home.


Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.


What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Suzuki.


Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the side stand is down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.


What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.


How do you know you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.


Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.


How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile!!!


What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.


Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece
of $#!+, would YOU be smiling?


What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirtbags.


Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.


How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.


How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the canyons.


What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.


Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and a rope.


What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that's being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.


Why do all Harley owners have trailers??
So they can go around corners faster!


Where can you find the world's largest collection of Harley jokes?
On the showroom of the Harley mega-store in Milwaukee.
(Alternate answer: At Sturgis)


You know you're a Harley rider if:
You're unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.


You confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term "engineering flaws".


"Water cooled" means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a wrecker.

Still, take it easy boys. We're all brothers of two wheels, even the scooter dudes.
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Old August 27th, 2009, 10:26 PM   #152
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A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."

Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."

The couple got married.

Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
__________________________________________________
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Old September 9th, 2009, 07:19 PM   #153
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
>
> 1. A Bible.
>
> 2. A silver dollar.
> 3. A bottle of whisky.
>
> 4. And a Playboy magazine.
>
> 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
>
> If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
>
> If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
>
> But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
>
> And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
>
> The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
>
> The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
>
> With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
>
> Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
>
> 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'
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Old September 12th, 2009, 10:45 AM   #154
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Old September 16th, 2009, 12:35 PM   #155
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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
Easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Old September 16th, 2009, 06:17 PM   #156
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Old September 16th, 2009, 06:18 PM   #157
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An elderly man in West Ohio had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said
'I'm here to feed the alligator .'

Some old men can still think fast.
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Old September 16th, 2009, 08:09 PM   #158
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Old September 17th, 2009, 06:17 AM   #159
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two old men

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'
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Old September 17th, 2009, 09:26 PM   #160
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Three old men walking down the street. One says "Windy isn't it?" Another answers "Nah,it's Thursday!" To which the third replies "Me to, let's go for a drink."
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