psychologist

[Whiskey]

Originally Posted by Koala

allanoue, that's easier said then done. The stuff I have that gives me reminders of him gives me memories of the good times. The shirt for example is like a comfort blanket to me, it might sound odd, but it is. I've read stuff before that said to get rid of everything but then I would be getting rid of at least half my clothes, my car, etc. My depression does not always relate to him, it was here long before, now I just have lots of extra triggers in the real world/tv/music that have nothing to do with what I have laying around that he gave to me or bought for me.

Motofool, I'm not really a people person and I'm wondering if me having to be around people all day and dealing with customers at the cleaning job is leaving me mentally drained and not wanting to deal with people at the bar.
1)I usually have fun once I get into it but the initial thought of having to be pretend happy and nice to people I don't know or do know but just don't give one crap about drags me down sometimes. That's what was going on last night.
2)I just have to push that out of my head and go on with it anyways because
3)it's the combination of the two jobs that are allowing me to achieve my goal of bike/new car/track days.

Q)I think alot of it is also insecurity about my body and looks.
A)I have plenty of regulars that love me but comments that get made and the way the bartenders/bouncers (all male) act sometimes just gets under my skin and makes me feel self conscious and not confident. I just have to get out of my own head to get around that and work.

I love the post Max Ehrmann, I'm going to copy that down and post it on my fridge next to my other feel good stuff.

1)You know that you enjoy it once you get into it,
2)You know that you can push on through then you'll enjoy it
3)You have your goals, and know how to go for them.

I found breaking it down, setting a small goal and push for that then the next one and then the next helps.

Remember what I said about depression's first move being breaking down your will to fight it, and twisting everything against you, so ignore the dark sh1t your head tells you & take what your good mates say as real info?
Your regulars are the real info source for your looks. You're earning good money on it, so you must be pretty well put together Fcuk what the others say

[jkv45]

A couple suggestions based on what you have told us lately -

Really think about what you would like to be doing for a job (career really) in the future. Maybe take some night classes or something to get you headed in that direction. Learning and moving towards a goal is going to help you feel better about yourself. Doing something that is in conflict with your self-image will always cause you stress.

Get rid of the "comfy thermal shirt that used to be his". It may make you feel better in the short term, but it's something that you need to let go of to be happy in the long term. It's a reminder of a time in your life that you have moved beyond, and it pulls you in - then lets you drop.

You can pull yourself up and be happy.

[Koala]

There is no way to get into this without it being too long and too personal on the whys and why nots on why I keep the shirt, why I should get rid of it and other things. I could say I'm not ready, I don't want to or c all of the above.

Whiskey, your comment made me feel all warm and fuzzy, I wish I had read it last. Thank you

[jkv45]

Sorry. I guess my suggestions felt more like "constructive criticism" then. That wasn't my intention.

Just trying to help you work through it, but my approach doesn't seem to be helping, so I'll refrain from any additional "suggestions".

Take care.

[Koala]

Originally Posted by jkv45

Sorry. I guess my suggestions felt more like "constructive criticism" then. That wasn't my intention.

Just trying to help you work through it, but my approach doesn't seem to be helping, so I'll refrain from any additional "suggestions".

Take care.

It just hit me the wrong way and I reacted a tad harshly to it. You were only trying to help, and I greatly appreciate that. Please don't hesitate to offer anymore help or uplifting comments etc....just stay away from that touchy subject I guess lol?

[jkv45]

Originally Posted by Koala

It just hit me the wrong way and I reacted a tad harshly to it. You were only trying to help, and I greatly appreciate that. Please don't hesitate to offer anymore help or uplifting comments etc....just stay away from that touchy subject I guess lol?

No problem.

We all just hope that you get things sorted out and get back to enjoying life soon.

[Snake]

For those that don't read the "Quote of the day" thread, I wanted to share this.

Happiness sneaks through a door you didn't know that you left open. - John Barrymore

[snot]

I will leave this here.
http://www.einstein-academy.com/blog...conscious-mind

[snot]

For all, please remember we make our own happiness.
I told my daughter's while they were in high school to ask themselves this question: how will this affect their life in the future?

Holding on to some memories can cause more pain than happiness, they can also keep you from finding happiness.
I try not to dwell on negative feelings and look for the positive: how will this help me later? What do I need to learn from this?

I have lost loved ones in the past that was very close to, I miss them and work hard to make them proud of me to this day. I want to honor the memories and remember the times we laughed together.

Koala, I hope you can find a way to smile everyday and find true happiness in yourself.

[Koala]

thank you snot, snake I've been having an up and down last few days. I've been writing in a journal like was recommended here and it helps. I write it down and get it out of my head for a bit. right now I'm just physically and mentally tired so I'm taking a break for the night. if I miss a couple of regulars at the bar, so be it. I was getting ready and my mind and body were just fighting it the whole way, telling me how tired I am. so chillin on the couch with my kitty is where it's at right now.

[snot]

Keep your chin up and remember to smie everyday... There is always something to smile about, just look for it.

[MrAtom]

Hey, you doing okay? We all care about you!

[JohnnyBravo]

[Koala]

Thanks for asking about me, guys I've been ok, the same ol up and down. Some good ups lately but also bad downs. I'm now the manager at my office which means better money but longer hours and I'm just so tired and don't have much time to do anything anymore. Trying to figure out how I'm going to squeeze in a few nights of dancing a month so I can still get my bike because with the hours I'm putting in cleaning I just don't have the energy but I need that extra cash for what I want. If that 2015 is still at the dealer around June I should be able to swing it but it's going to be tight. Definitly going to have to wait until next year for the track though. @csmith12 that xmas present was good for 2 years right? I can only run one team right now due to having only me and another girl and unless that changes I won't be able to get the time off this season. I've tried hiring people but nobody wants to work, had a girl quit after 4 days, another one was hired but a no call/no show on her first day, etc.

On the mental health side, I haven't journaled in a while, I need to but I just haven't. I've been cruising the bipolar reddit, it helps to no I'm not alone in things. I know I mentioned dreams before and I had one that has a recurring theme in it. wonder what you all might think.

I'm in an apartment (not mine but mine in the dream), it's shadowy inside due to clouds and possible tornadoes outside. I keep having to turn the lights back on because they keep turning off. Same with the radio in the kitchen. I keep turning it off but it keeps turning back on. I unplug it but it comes back on and plugged in again. My sliding glass door keeps coming open. I unplug the radio and throw it. I realize in the darkness that Ziggy is gone. trying to cry out his name but all that comes out is a croak. every time. I see him outside and grab him and put him in the bathroom. throwing the lightswitch but it doesn't come on and shutting the door. I shut the slider as well.

that's where I wake up. I have so many dreams with storms and tornados. the other recurring theme is the lights and doors. I have so many dreams where doors/windows keep opening and I keep having to run around and shut them. same with the lights, lights turning off and not wanting to turn on. it always leaves me with an anxious feeling, sometimes dread sometimes fear or panic in the dream. the ziggy part has happened a few times in the last year or so. trying to cry his name but I can't, panicking that something has happened to him.

any thoughts?

[Triple Jim]

You're not alone. I've had dreams in which I'm out in a field at night and a tornado in headed toward me, and others in which lightning strikes me, and they're terrifying. Another one has me in a totally dark house and I turn on a light. I know it's on, but my eyes can't see the light. Then there are dreams about me trying to lock a door, but the door frame is too big so the door won't latch. Also the ones in which I'm trying to yell, but no noise comes out of my mouth.

I do have nice dreams too. Sometimes I can jump off a high building and float gently to the ground, to everyone's amazement. I just assume my dreams are some oddball way my brain sorts things out and don't worry about them. I do prefer when it sorts things out in a way that's not too scary though.

[Snake]

My interpretation of your dream is this:
The doors and windows opening by themselves while there is bad weather outside and ziggy getting out sounds like a message to go outside and brave the storm. In my unprofessional opinion of course.

[csmith12]

Originally Posted by Koala

@csmith12 that xmas present was good for 2 years right?

I don't remember putting an expiration date on it.

[Motofool]

Originally Posted by Koala

?....... I need that extra cash for what I want. If that 2015 is still at the dealer around June I should be able to swing it but it's going to be tight. Definitly going to have to wait until next year for the track though.........

On the mental health side, ..............

any thoughts?

I would recommend you, only if you are genuinely interested in motorcycling, looking for a cheaper bike still in good condition, so you avoid the frustration of mechanical problems.
Pre-2008 Ninja's 250 are excellent reliable machines and @1K buys you one of those in good condition.

I see three advantages from going that route:
1) Very probable mishaps of the learning process, including track practicing, will be less painful and costly to mend.
2) Learning motorcycling well, especially when couched by cmith12, will greatly help you with your self-confidence and depression problem soon, rather than later.
3) Any difference in cost can be used for protecting gear and riding training.

Regarding the dreams, the above is related; it seems to me.
I don't believe in the significance or perception of dreams; bad dreams happen to me when I eat late, something is trying to wake by brain up or I am not sufficiently tired physically.

Nevertheless, your dreams show a perception of inadequacy to solve catastrophic problems or difficulties.
As many people, you are stronger than most difficulties and adversities.
However, you are convinced that you are not, which makes it an incorrect perception rather than a reality.

That perception, and the concept that you have to act upon those events that deviate from your ideal of how things should develop or be, give you anguish.
The problem is that anguish sustain itself at subconscious level for long time, even in a permanent matter, which is a terrible thing for you health and for the sense of joy that you are wired to naturally feel.

Motorcycling is a powerful mental activity.
It will work on reducing or eliminating that continuous subconscious anguish.
It will because, as you learn to control your reactions and your machine, your self-confidence will get stronger, as your sense of freedom and independence, as your awareness of your surroundings and the tricks that your brain likes playing on you.
In the process, you will think less and feel more, you will learn how things are versus how you believe they should be, you will compare yourself less and less with others and with the ideal and unachievable you.

Start riding soon, learn to be the best rider that you can be and ride much !!!

[csmith12]

Originally Posted by Motofool

2) Learning motorcycling well, especially when couched by cmith12, will greatly help you with your self-confidence and depression problem soon, rather than later.

"Couched?" wait...... wut?!?!?!?!?



This is not what I do at Mid-O.


Hope all is well Mr. Fool. I think you did that on purpose, the spelling with depression was subtle, but I think I caught ya. Well played!

[Motofool]

Originally Posted by csmith12

"Couched?" wait...... wut?!?!?!?!?
..........Hope all is well Mr. Fool. I think you did that on purpose, the spelling with depression was subtle, but I think I caught ya. Well played!

All is as well as it can be Mr. Smith..... almost.
All above spelling mistakes have been "coached".

[CaliGrrl]

Originally Posted by Koala

I'm in an apartment (not mine but mine in the dream), it's shadowy inside due to clouds and possible tornadoes outside. I keep having to turn the lights back on because they keep turning off. Same with the radio in the kitchen. I keep turning it off but it keeps turning back on. I unplug it but it comes back on and plugged in again. My sliding glass door keeps coming open. I unplug the radio and throw it. I realize in the darkness that Ziggy is gone. trying to cry out his name but all that comes out is a croak. every time. I see him outside and grab him and put him in the bathroom. throwing the lightswitch but it doesn't come on and shutting the door. I shut the slider as well.

I think dreams are one way we talk to ourselves. This says to me that you don't feel like you can control things, or that someone is messing with you. How can you increase your feelings of control and competence? Where are you good? Make a list of those things, maybe, post it on your bathroom mirror or something. Read it. Remember that you can in fact do things, and do them well.

For what it's worth, riding my bike has made me feel more competent. I have to be, to be safe on it. Nobody can do it for me. I second the recommendation to get an older, cheaper bike, one that you can handle its maintenance, and go ride.

[Snake]

Hoping you have a great week @Koala.

[Koala]

thanks for all the insight and support guys and gals

thanks for no expiration date on the track lol @csmith12, cuz I don't know how I'm ever going to get off work this year. it's looking like even cedar point will only be on sundays.

@Triple Jim, I sometimes have dreams where I'm flying, like Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy style (I loved those books). it always feels so amazing. doesn't happen often though.

@Motofool @CaliGrrl, thanks for the insightful replies. Used ninjas don't usually come cheap in my area that's why I kept looking at new. This one in the window of my dealer has been there for 2 years and they have a twin of it as well somewhere in the building. I don't know how someone hasn't snapped them up at the price they are being offered but if one of them is still there in june I would be willing to bet I could snap up that brand new (albeit 2 year old bike) baby for a lil over $3000 just so they can get rid of it. I've had several people tell me that the bike in the window is meant to be mine and that's why it's still there. we'll see on that one, crossing fingers lol. It's the gear that will be the major expense. I'd like to kill Revzilla for sending me all the new gear vids for 2017.....they've got me convinced I want Dainese....oh lord so expensive but has all the right stuff and looks so good

@Snake, nice to see you chiming in it was a busy week, managed to hire one girl that's sticking around but can still only run one team so I'm pulling like 50 hours a week still with cleaning/drivetime/office hours. saw a few regulars from the bar that have been missing me, it only reminds me of the money I'm missing. I will find a way. that green 2015 will be mine and even if it has to be next season, I will be meeting up with chris and whoever else wants to come to mid o to hang with us and have a blast

[snot]

You can usually find good used gear to start with. New, will need to be the helmet. Ridersdiscount has better pricing on gear, and free shipping. They are also located in MI. Ironpony in CBus no longer has the selection for women it use to but still a lot of great finds in the clearance section.
Workbooks will protect you until you can afford the "riding boots", textile jacket with pads is better than no jacket. Kevlar or 100% cotton riding jeans can also work short term.
Gloves are a must, new or used as long as they are in good condition.

But, there is a ton of good used leather out there on the interweb

[Triple Jim]

motorcyclegear.com also has a used gear section on their site. I got a very nice Fieldsheer leather jacket for my daughter there, for something like $90.

[Motofool]

https://www.adaa.org/

[Koala]

Thanks for the links :-)