NewEnough.com / Motorcyclegear.com Contest!

[Alex]

Spur of the moment contest, right here on ninjette.org. I have 5 separate $10 coupons for use on www.newenough.com / www.motorcyclegear.com. I will award these gift certificates to the next 5 individual members on this site who make me laugh. That's it. You can not win more than one of 'em, no matter how funny you are. BTW - it doesn't have to be a standalone joke, a humorous post on its own just may qualify. Heck, if it's a useful and humorous post, even better! No, there is no time limit on this contest, but I'd be surprised if these last more than a day or two; we're a pretty comical bunch here...

Once you make me laugh, you have won the certificate, and it's then yours to do whatever you wish. If you have no need for it, you can certainly give it away in any manner you see fit either (but privately through PM's for the actual transfer, don't just post the code itself publicly).

Game on.

[wvninja]

Alex walks into his living room and see's his wife watching a cooking show. Thinking he's quick on his feet he says "Why are you waching that? You can't cook."

"Well," she replies, "you watch porn and ..."

[Alex]

5 gift certificates, still up for grabs.

[wvninja]

Originally Posted by Alex

5 gift certificates, still up for grabs.

[Boosted139]

I personally found this hilarious, had to share with all my fellow CS/IT friends... I think it was entitled something like "A Programmer's Essay"

[DaBlue1]

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,



'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!!

[Live2ride]

So copper and silver are sitting in a bar when, all the sudden, gold walks in and there like "Au, get outta here!".

There's a little science humor my gf came up with

[wvninja]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[wvninja]

On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Ninja. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Ninja back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Ninja To Pick Up Chicks"

[Live2ride]

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?




Bingo

[jmgrande]

[CynicalC]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets
to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this
proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy
extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest
of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack
it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars,
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.,

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a
coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this
"grant money."

I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field
of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

[CynicalC]

This story is epic. I can die laughing every time I read it.

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controlled indoor blimp. I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together. Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter. We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. My three-year-old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy, my daughter could fly it. Let's face it, blimps are fun. Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp, which was up until this moment a fun toy, here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living room and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase, it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again. I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you. That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time. I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from “restful sleep mode” to “HOLY CRAP! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! Mode” in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240, or faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like, Mwah hah hah!), and leapt out of bed in my underwear. I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living crap out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces. Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan, which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart attack. On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had. Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident.

When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp, which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around in the walk-in closet that she approached. The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her. This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

[wvninja]

Originally Posted by CynicalC

wat

edited .. i got it from my local car forum nice catch

[Indy250r]

Originally Posted by Live2ride

So copper and silver are sitting in a bar when, all the sudden, gold walks in and there like "Au, get outta here!".

There's a little science humor my gf came up with

An atom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a double shot of whiskey. The bartender says "is everything ok, you don't look so good"

"Not good at all" replies the atom "I'm loosing electrons".

"Are you sure?" asks the bartender.

The atom looks at him, shrugs his shoulders and says "I'm positive."

[Live2ride]

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

[ride2rideagain]

Many moons ago, pony and eagle walked up to coyote.
Pony said to coyote, "I'm very mad at eagle, will you yell at him for me?"
Coyote said to pony, "Why can't you yell at him yourself?"
And pony replied, "Because I am a little horse"

[noche_caliente]

Link to original page on YouTube.

[gfloyd2002]

[Nemesis]

What you're about to read is a true event that took place some years ago by yours truly:

So, there I am in the middle of my daily ritual sacrifice to the porcelain god when all of a sudden I'm interrupted by the loudest and longest FFFFFFAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTT from the next toilet stall at work!!!

It started off low and continued to growl hard, then it threw a curve ball by pitching high and ended with a sharp note.

I immediately reacted with a !!!

I looked quickly to my right to see if I could identify the person by his shoes but it was foreign to me. So, I busted out laughing so hard, I couldn't stop myself from giggling. Then it hit me! The stench from his fart lingered in the air and pierced my nose so sharp my immediate reaction was to shake my head and pinch my nostrils shut. But the stench was so strong it literally left me gasping for air.

He then starts to unload some heavy bombs and I'm again trapped with his stench.

So I cough, "CooouuuCOURTESYFLUSHggggghhhhh!!!"

And he answered back with a.....





.....FFFFFFFFAAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTT...."




No love, I tell ya!

[gfloyd2002]

Link to original page on YouTube.

[CZroe]

[gfloyd2002]

356dw.gif

[gfloyd2002]

6580.jpg

[Alex]

noche_caliente, come on down! PM'd...

1's gone, 4 left!

A few of these definitely made me smile, but that was the only one that made me laugh out loud. If I've heard it before, as funny as it is, it's unlikely to make me laugh.

[ztrack157]

Can someone tell me where the kill switch is on my bike?

[CZroe]

I can probably make you cry:

Link to original page on YouTube.



Here:

[Live2ride]

Link to original page on YouTube.

[Flashmonkey]

Originally Posted by gfloyd2002

Attachment 11158

How the hell did this not make you LOL?

[Live2ride]

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

[CZroe]

[ztrack157]

What do Fat girls and mopeds have in common?










Both are fun to ride... Until your friends find out.

[gfloyd2002]

[gfloyd2002]

[ztrack157]

NSFW

Link to original page on YouTube.

[ztrack157]

Link to original page on YouTube. Made by AFM's Dave Stanton for Former #1 plate Cory Call

[Live2ride]

This is like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory all over again...

[Alex]

Floyd - WWII gif didn't make me laugh, but it was freaking cool. Someone had *way* too much time on their hands.

[jmgrande]

Whenever I see Alex's avatar I see a baby...

Note: this video is actually our fearless leader Alex.

Originally Posted by noche_caliente

Link to original page on YouTube.

[Live2ride]

here is a good video that I encountered long ago

strong language