Buying a bike behind my moms back.....

[emt250]

Really, if you've made your decision then go with it, regardless of whether or not we agree with it. You know your family better than we ever could. There has been a lot of good advice thrown around and hopefully some of it will work.

I was in your same situation. My mom and dad were both completely against it, and my dad is a doctor so hes seen what motorcycle accidents can lead to. I asked a few times and was more or less told "not while you live with me". I respected their decisions and waited until i moved out. They still HATE the idea of me riding, and i doubt that will ever change.

[Sailariel]

I guess if you and mom have reached an impasse (in your view), you will have to weigh living at home, perhaps going to college, and all that stuff, against owning a bike, living away from home, working, to support your bike, insurance, rent, taxes, etc. I don`t think that anybody on this board can--or would want to--make that decision for you. It`s a tough call, but the ball is in your court.

[adouglas]

Your written "agreement" did not come as the result of negotiation.

Handing someone a document they don't like (even if it's reasonable) and asking them to sign is just another form of confrontation. Buy-in is a prerequisite.

You negotiate, you find common ground, you both compromise, and THEN you draft an agreement. Sounds like you drafted an agreement that you could live with and then just presented it.

Is it any wonder the Iranians are not playing ball? We're dictating terms, not negotiating. From their point of view, it's a losing proposition because we're not listening to them. They're faced with a nuclear adversary (Israel) and nothing but demands that they not act to maintain the balance of power. Don't get me wrong... I think they're behaving stupidly and they should not get the bomb... but I understand their point of view and I also understand why we're getting nowhere with them.

Just like that horrible situation, you're stuck in a rut of "I MUST HAVE THIS BIKE!" and she's stuck in the rut of "NO EFFIN' WAY!" You both need to stop, breathe deeply, reset, and find common ground. Stop being so hell-bent on owning that bike before you're out of her house.

"Time to enjoy?"

That's YOU deciding the outcome when you're in a situation where there is another interested party. To be perfectly honest, you need to recognize the rights and wishes of the other party instead of dictating what YOU want to happen. You are not independent yet. You don't get to dictate terms yet. You will, but not yet.

A winning situation is one where EVERYBODY is happy, not just you.

I have to come back to the patience thing. Think back to when you were, say, ten years old and the WHOLE WORLD revolved around getting a favorite toy for Christmas. We all experienced this. It was EVERYTHING to you and you would be utterly destroyed if you didn't get it, right? Life would be PERFECT if you got it.

So you didn't get it and it sucked. Or you got it and life was great.

For about six months.

Remember that? I do, and it was 40 years ago.

It was silly and STUPID. Still is. It was a TOY, for cryin' out loud.

Guess what. Motorcycles are toys too.

Relax and look forward. You WILL get what you want and all this will be revealed as the short-term inconvenience it is.

My favorite image of the folly of immediate gratification is the guy who is a huge Metallica (or whatever band you choose) fan and gets a great big tattoo of the band logo done across his back.

Bet that's going to be really impressive 40 years from now, when he's 60.

When i was your age, the Bee Gees were big. Can you imagine how STUPID a Bee Gees tattoo on my saggy-ass butt would look today?

Patience. Patience.

[adouglas]

Let me just add one small thing here.

I've been married for 23 years.

The most important thing you can learn about being married is that it's all about creating compromises. You give her space, and she gives you space. Disagreement is part of the game, and the sooner you learn that neither of you gets to have his/her own way at the expense of the other's wishes, the happier you'll be.

You do not "win." Ever. And neither does she. Instead, you reach an understanding. You find a place where you're both okay, and that's as good as it ever gets.

Get used to the idea. This is what life is all about.

So... find that common ground. That's your true goal, not bike ownership. The bike is just a transitory object. It'll get crashed or sold in a few years anyway. The common understanding you build today will last far, far longer.

Take the long view.

[Sinister]

Another thing that helped my mother and i was finding a common ground. She kept asking why i wanted to ride a bike. Why would i want to risk myself like that. I couldnt get her to grasp the why of it despite my best effort... until i asked her why she takes her horses out riding still despite being thrown a half dozen times and having an artificial knee.

Turned out we werent so different.



And to reiterate... don't try to hide it if you buy it.

[kkim]

if you were my kid and I found out you bought a bike behind my back, you would get to keep the bike, but you would be out of the house looking for a place to live. You make adult choices, you learn to live as an adult and pay your own way, no strings attached.

if you want to be treated as an adult, start acting like one.

[lavid2002]

Im still really down for the MSF course Idea. I get an idea of how dangerous they are, and she gets a taste of how responsible riding can be fun. Ill try get this.....

If she takes a MSF course with me (I already took mine ill take it again) I will agree to hold off no questions until I am in my own place.
She gets to take me to the spinal recovery clinic or wherever it was she wanted to take me to show how they can ruin lives.

Thanks all, I will advise after I speak with my therapist and we talk some more


-Dave

[emt250]

Hope it goes well for you dude. At the end of the day, though, you'll have a bike someday. Just not as soon as you'd like.

[AnarchoMoltov]

Time 2 move out..If you got the cash 4 a bike, and storage,insurance, etc.. u should find a apartment first, get set up, then worry about the bike....

[zail]

Like others have said you really need to respect your mum's wishes while you live with are and are financial dependant. From what you have said maybe you also have to accept that no arguement you put to your mum about you having a bike will sway her because her reaction is more than likely an emotional reaction based on what she has seen in the ER and the thought of that happening to you, maybe mixed up with some stuff relating to her relationship with your dad who rode bike etc etc. The worst thing you can do here is go behind your mum's back as that will polarise the two of you further.

I didn't get a bike till I was 36 for a variety of reasons - my mum refused to let me have a bike when I was living at home (even though I could afford it), once I left home at 18 I couldn't afford one, then I had a partner who was very anti bike as his brother had been killed on one then I kind of forgot about it while I did other things in life and then realized one day that I still wanted to do it, so I did! It's great and in a lot of ways I'm glad I waited as I'm a lot more responsible, grounded and aware of my own mortality than I was at 18. I didn't tell my mum when I decided to get a bike and do my test as I thought she would try and talk me out of it, plus being 36 and living 300 miles from her it was something I could legimately do without her finding out (this is not the same as living at home and pretending not to have a bike!). I did tell her once I'd passed my test - and I found that she was actually quite happy for me! She didn't even revert to being anti bike when I broke my leg with the bike! When she visited after I'd got the bike she even asked to see it and said she thought it looked great and asked me to ride round the block so she could see me on it! Which just goes to show - I respected my mum's point of view (although grudgingly!) when I lived with her, now I'm living my own life she respects my decisions and choices - hopefully if you wait your mum will do the same and you can come to laugh about this current impasse!

Good luck

[almost40]

Dont do it dude. You can wait. Get your education (worth way more than the riding the bike) Get a good job, Get your own place, then get a bike.
Respect your mothers wishes while you live in her house. She can do alot more to make your life a mess or a bed of roses. I would perfer roses if I were you.

[tjkamper]

The thing you need to remember is that it will be imposible to keep owning a bike a secret. If you are willing to take the risk, what you should do is buy the bike and show up with it one day. If your mom really met that she wouldn't allow it, then you will be kicked out and be on your own. Be sure you are ready for this. But my bet is she won't.

If she is so concerned about your wellbeing, then she won't just abandon you onto the street. When you're a young adult, your parents only see you as young, they forget that you are old enough to make your own decisions (including mistakes). You need to demonstrate that you can make your own decisions. Once parents realize that they are nolong rulers, but advisors in your life your relationship will grow with mutual respect. But until that happens, you and your parents will only develop anger, hostility, disrespect and could even lose love for eachother.

It is hard for parents to let go. Remember, that your parents were once in your same spot. Your mom, probably once had the same problem with her folks (not over a bike, but maybe over a boyfriend, or a car, or a trip to Europe, etc.) Little has she realized, she has turned into her parents. It is an endless cycle, even if you try to avoid being like your parents, you will. In the future you will be in the same spot as your Mom is right now. Treat her like you would want to be treated when your future kids start to rebel.

Just remember, once you have proved that you are incharge of your life, your Mom will learn that she is nolonger in control. This is difficult, as she has been in control for 18 years and no one likes to lose control.

There are two possible outcomes here. Your mom will either kick you out and completely disown you and you will never see or hear from her again until you recieve a call from one of your siblings letting you know the funeral date and time... or she will be upset, but eventually accept her new roll in your life and you both will grow and develope a better relationship (beware that you might get kicked out in this process too).

In summary... Buy the bike, show it to her the first day, and be prepared for the worst, hope for the best.

[Greg_E]

It seems that everyone is suggesting that you not buy the bike, but you are pretty much set on buying it. So it comes down to do what you feel you need to do, and live with the repercussions that your actions will produce.

[cifex]

Get an apartment first....where are you going to take girls who want a ride.....to your mom's house?

I bought the bike after I'd moved out but it would've been the same before. I didn't try to hide it from my parents nor did I seek their approval. If I remember correctly my mother was a little concerned when she saw that my license and papers came from motorcycle training school. (I get my mail at there place). This past spring I pulled up on the bike and she said "are you trying to give me a heart attack!?!" After that, I didn't hear another thing about it. I guess she sees that I took training beforehand / installed headlight /brake light modulators / wear ATGATT, etc.

FYI: im 24

[DarkNinja52]

Me: I'm getting a motorcycle.
Mom: You have to take me for a ride.
Me: Deal.

[Kawasabi]

First thing first, email the link to this thread to your mom and let her READ ALL of this.....

[lavid2002]

Me: I'm getting a motorcycle.
Mom: You have to take me for a ride.
Me: Deal.

I wish dude lol

[killerkay3]

lol one of my friends bought a bike without his parents knowing, and he keeps the bike behind a friends house next to the garage, hes been riding for three years, no accidents or anything and his parents still dont know he has a bike lol

[lavid2002]

lol one of my friends bought a bike without his parents knowing, and he keeps the bike behind a friends house next to the garage, hes been riding for three years, no accidents or anything and his parents still dont know he has a bike lol

Lol zinga

They still HATE the idea of me riding, and i doubt that will ever change.

Its not going to....ever....

[Jerry]

Originally Posted by kkim

if you were my kid and I found out you bought a bike behind my back, you would get to keep the bike, but you would be out of the house looking for a place to live. You make adult choices, you learn to live as an adult and pay your own way, no strings attached.

if you want to be treated as an adult, start acting like one.

Damn Straight

[zartan]

I am responding to the first post in this thread.


Geez Dave, This is one of the exact reasons I decided not to have kids. Not that kids are bad, it is just that I am not and never have been emotionally up to this type of behavior.

The amount of hurt and disrespect of hiding something this big from your parent can and will be something that hurts them for a long time.

Even considering this is showing me that you are not ready.

[zartan]

When i was your age, the Bee Gees were big. Can you imagine how STUPID a Bee Gees tattoo on my saggy-ass butt would look today?

thanks for the laugh !!

[zail]

Originally Posted by zartan

The amount of hurt and disrespect of hiding something this big from your parent can and will be something that hurts them for a long time.

Even considering this is showing me that you are not ready.

Well said

[CC Cowboy]

Your Mom loves you. Give her the respect of telling her you will be buying a bike and all the reasons why and how you will respect the responsibility of riding.

Go buy the bike.

[lavid2002]

Geez Dave, This is one of the exact reasons I decided not to have kids. Not that kids are bad, it is just that I am not and never have been emotionally up to this type of behavior.

Lol ur funny man, If you choose to not to have kids because you think there going to hide **** from you then YOU clearly didnt think it through. Its part of life. Im sure you have hid things from people before. Everyone has. "This type of behavior" If seeing me want to buy a bike without my mom knowing makes you doubt your mental ability to cope with children and teenagers its a good thing you dont have one.

[Verus Cidere]

YOU sir, first of all, need to realize that Zartan is a girl. (I seem to need to tell everyone this! ) Second, I really don't understand why you don't get this. Hiding this from your mom is a REALLY bad idea. End of story. We all know this, and we've been telling you from the start. YOU don't want to hear the advice, YOU don't want to concede the fact that you've gotta abide by the house rules, YOU don't want to look at it from your mother's point of view, and YOU are just looking for YOUR instant gratification. I also realize that you aren't going to listen to any of us, be we younger, the same age, or older than you. There are many wise people on this forum telling you all the reasons that this is a bad idea in your current situation, but you don't care. My final advice to you is this: do what you want as we can't change your actual decision that you've already made, but DON'T come crying to us when your mother kicks you out on the street and doesn't speak to you again because you're hiding something from her that she believes will kill you. Personally, I find the way you're acting heartless.

/rant.

[Talonne]

My mom would go f*cking ballistic if she ever found out I had a motorcycle. Then again, she's outrageously and abnormally overprotective. I was never allowed to climb trees, participate in team sports, rollerskate/rollerblade, ski, snowboard, ice skate, not even ride a bicycle much as a child. This all contributed to my current physical ineptitude and lack of balance as an adult. :P It took me probably 10x longer to get the hang of motorcycling than everyone else usually needs.

I'm 26 now and bought a bike. I have no intention of ever telling my parents that I have one.

Your situation is harder though, since you still live at home. I would probably recommend waiting until you move out. Do you see yourself being able to do so anytime in the near future? Rent a place with some friends, etc.

[zartan]

If seeing me want to buy a bike without my mom knowing makes you doubt your mental ability to cope with children and teenagers its a good thing you dont have one.

It is not the part about your mom not knowing, that would not matter if you were out on your own paying your own way as a grown up. Then it would be you own business.
It is about living at home and hiding it. It is just plain deceitful but hey you know best because you are 18 right?? And if you know why are you asking us.


Don't give yourself so much credit YOU do not make me doubt my abilities.
I have made that choice years ago.

[Sailariel]

Sounds to me that your mind is made up--so nobody on this forum can confuse you with facts. I did the parenting route with two very intelligent teen agers. I always held the line and the kids always knew where I stood--In short, I was consistant. Consequences were always crystal clear. The result is that both kids--now 35 and 40 are exceptionally sucessful people who can afford all the whistles and bells. Son races a Vette and does quite well. If he wanted to get a bike he would--but I am sure he would go about it in a much more responsible manner than what you are choosing---he would consider his wife in the decision. You are not considering anybody. It`s all about you. No point reasoning with a rock.

[lavid2002]

Originally Posted by Sailariel

Sounds to me that your mind is made up--so nobody on this forum can confuse you with facts. I did the parenting route with two very intelligent teen agers. I always held the line and the kids always knew where I stood--In short, I was consistant. Consequences were always crystal clear. The result is that both kids--now 35 and 40 are exceptionally sucessful people who can afford all the whistles and bells. Son races a Vette and does quite well. If he wanted to get a bike he would--but I am sure he would go about it in a much more responsible manner than what you are choosing---he would consider his wife in the decision. You are not considering anybody. It`s all about you. No point reasoning with a rock.

No point in reasoning with a rock...then why the hell would I post on this website.

*Im 18 so I know everything

When did I ever say this. You assumed that I think I know everything

, but DON'T come crying to us when your mother kicks you out on the street and doesn't speak to you again because you're hiding something from her that she believes will kill you. Personally, I find the way you're acting heartless.

Why would I come "Crying" to you guys? I dont know you...
Heartless? Man up

Besides there are several people here who tell me to get the bike... Im waiting to talk to my friend some more to make the decision. But heartless? Really...lol its a motorcycle. Not that big of a deal.

[lavid2002]

Originally Posted by Talonne

My mom would go f*cking ballistic if she ever found out I had a motorcycle. Then again, she's outrageously and abnormally overprotective. I was never allowed to climb trees, participate in team sports, rollerskate/rollerblade, ski, snowboard, ice skate, not even ride a bicycle much as a child. This all contributed to my current physical ineptitude and lack of balance as an adult. :P It took me probably 10x longer to get the hang of motorcycling than everyone else usually needs.

I'm 26 now and bought a bike. I have no intention of ever telling my parents that I have one.

Your situation is harder though, since you still live at home. I would probably recommend waiting until you move out. Do you see yourself being able to do so anytime in the near future? Rent a place with some friends, etc.

Prime example, not having a dad, only having a mom, shes mad protective. My homie abe has his own place I could keep it there but im still contemplating whether or not I should buy it. I have all winter to think about it....but hey ask some of the other people here and ..."Ive already made up my mind" lol

[emt250]

No need to get so angry or hostile about this folks.

[capt_bugaloo]

Originally Posted by lavid2002

I confronted her about the situation and she simply said while your living in my house you wont have a motorcycle.

Her house, her rules - so move out. You're 18; it's time to leave the nest.

[Verus Cidere]

Originally Posted by lavid2002

Heartless? Really...lol its a motorcycle. Not that big of a deal.

We're not talking about the motorcycle any more. We're talking about the way you're treating your mother.

Alex, I'm sorry for helping turn this thread into a fight. I'm going to bow out of this one as none of us are getting anywhere positive. My apologies for hoping that logic, courtesy, respect, and familial love would win out.

[Sinister]

Originally Posted by emt250

No need to get so angry or hostile about this folks.

Truly. Here i thought the people here were generally friendly but when someone asks a question that has a bit of moral substance to it people turn self righteous as if they had never considered doing the "wrong thing" as a kid.

[NaughtyusMaximus]

Originally Posted by lavid2002

This is exactly what im saying.....what changes once I live by myself? Nothing! For her, im still at risk, the roads are still just as dangerous. However, for me...everything changes, my financial obligations, my priorities, my time, etc.... its absurd. Weve been neck and neck over this for months and months now. I meet with my therapist on the 22cnd Im going to ask his opinion on the subject. If I get hurt riding the bike thats on me. it would have happened when im 30 or 40 or 50 it will happen when im 18 if its going to. However, I am a safe driver and a defensive one.

That isn't the point though and you know it. It sounds to me like you made up your mind a long time ago, and you came fishing here hoping that in a community of bike riders you would have people backing you up. Unfortunately, you were wrong. Everyone agrees with your mom, or at least agrees that while you're supported by her you should respect her wishes. If you go against that, best of luck, and let us know how it goes.

[JaeL]

I'm sorry for being lazy but I'm not going to read through everyones reasons on why you shouldn't get a bike. I'm just confused on why you haven't moved out? If you guys disagree about this don't you disagree about other things?

[lavid2002]

If you guys disagree about this don't you disagree about other things?

Not really, When I was a kid we went through some stuff and got really close. I haven't really had a father-figure around so when I want to hunt-shoot-ride-fish-etc....Im on my own. Thats about the only problem. Again we bump heads on this one so much primarily (IMO) Because she worked in an ER for years and years so she has seen everyone who comes in there mangled, crunched, smashed, and ripped apart. Its like asking a member of PETA to hunt....

(People Eating Tasty Animals LOL!)

[ScraitT]

Well my opinion is that is your dad isn't around, things are in general probably a little bit harder for your mom, and she probably values a close relationship with you more then anything.
Given that, I really wouldn't try to hide the bike. If you MUST have it, then do something like you mentioned before, buying and working on it, while slowly getting her used to the idea BEFORE you ride it. (I wouldn't even ride it home, have a friend do it...so you can honestly tell her you haven't ridden it).

As I said, my mom almost moved out when I got my bike. I told her I was looking at them (and she didn't say anything), and I had my dads support, so I bought one. When she flipped out so severely, I put it up for sale. We ended up talking things through (VERY slowly), and she has finally accepted it to the point that I have actually seen her playing with my helmet (the vents opening and closing and stuff). She still hates it, and to help easy her I ride as little as possible, but she has somewhat accepted that it is something I want to do.

I would just NOT ride it until she calms down about it. Just work on it and let her see it so it slowly sinks in. I'm warning you though it could take a while. When I put mine up for sale (high priced so it wouldn't sell fast), it took her almost 6 weeks to finally come around.

So if you have to have it, I'd suggest that route rather then hiding it.

[adouglas]

Try this one on for size:

Imagine reversing the attitudes here.

What if there were something you REALLY didn't want your mom to do. Just as a hypothetical example, let's say she wanted to start hanging out with some real jerk, drinking heavily, doing drugs, dating a liberal, whatever. Just something that would really, really set you off.

(Given your avatar, I figured the last one would really get you going. )

And you talked about it, and she promised not to do it.

And she did it anyway and tried to cover it up.


How would YOU feel?

Betrayed?

Angry?

Let down?

Would you have a different and less positive view of your mom as a person?

I think you might.

Once you've polluted the relationship like this, it's really, really hard to get the trust back. If you do this, you're going to change your life and her life and not in a good way, and it will have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIKE.

It will have to do with trust.