I don't want to pry...

[bob706]

...but has anyone here gone through a divorce? I ask because I think my marriage is headed in that direction and I'm just wondering what to expect. I don't want to know gory details, I guess I am wondering if there is such a thing as a "happy" divorce.

[HKr1]

Send all your savings my way, I will hold on to it so she doesnt get it.

[kkim]

Been there, done that. Not the happiest portion of my life. You need to check what the specific laws are in your particular state. If it's going to be a bitter separation, get the best lawyer you can afford.

Fortunately, mine was an amicable one, but the financial hardships of running 2 households is going to be taxing. The real losers are the kids. Please keep them foremost in your dealings.

Before you decide on proceeding, counseling or mediation is a good alternative than the courts and lawyers.

Good luck.

[bob706]

Now that is funny on many levels...
I've come to the conclusion that it's all good and to try to make the best of it. Now how do I get rid of this thread? Too much of a downer

[bob706]

Thanks Kelley. Good advice

[kkim]

I say leave it up. Hope others can learn from the good/bad experiences of others... in bikes and in life.

This is the "off topic" section, so it's all good.

I might add, I'm now remarried and life is soooo much better than I ever thought possible back in those days. The kids have suffered though, which makes trying to make what you have now work even more important.

[Majik]

I went thru a divorce and it was not pretty! Whether your divorce is civil or not, it is a tragic thing to go thru, especially if kids are involved. I have known some people (tho not many) who were able to go their separate ways and remain good friends. Both parties truly believed it to be for the best and they were able to determine who gets what in a civil way.

To this day, I am still single and my divorce happened about 3 years ago. To be honest, it's scary to be in the "dating" world these days. Noone seems to believe in real love anymore and too many people have too many ghosts in their closets. Sad but true. I am NOT saying that love is not out there. I believe it is, but it's rare to find that and when you do, hang onto it for dear life.

I don't know what your situation is and I'm not gonna ask, but if there's any way to work it out with your wife, then try everything first. To this day, I wish that my marriage would have worked. I know that it wouldn't have because my ex had many affairs and was abusive. But, I will always wish that it wouldn't have been that way, especially because of my kids.

I wish you the best!!!

[bob706]

Originally Posted by Majik

I don't know what your situation is and I'm not gonna ask, but if there's any way to work it out with your wife, then try everything first.

I wish there was a way to work it out but my wife and I have never been on the same page and cannot communicate. At least I have my dog and my motorcycle....naw, she wouldn't, would she?

[Majik]

LOL! Well, I would certainly hope not! If she is the spiteful type, then maybe. These things can ususally be worked out though. She gets the bedroom suit, you get the bike, she gets the cat, you get the dog. If it does in fact end in divorce and if yall can be civil with one another, then it is possible for yall to agree with what yalls wants are without involving attorneys. If yall can't agree, the judge will sometimes decide for you, making both parties unhappy (sometimes). Perhaps yall could make out a list of your wants them come together and discuss them. That way, everyone feels better because it was mutually agreed upon! Sometimes, yall may want the same things and that's when you have to compromise.

During my divorce, even tho it was a bitter one, we were able to make out a list of what we wanted and it all worked out. I didn't want anything that belonged to him even if it was aquired (spelling?) during our marriage. By us doing that, we saved alot on court costs and it made us both feel better.

[ninjabrewer]

6 yall's, I can tell she is from 'bama. One question. Is it "yall" or "ya'll"

nb

[Majik]

Watch it bud ! Now, what is wrong with the word "yall"? Actually, I meant to say you guys! There...is that better? And yes, I am a true southern gal! Born and raised in Alabama on grits and cornbread. LOL!!!

[ninjabrewer]

Ain't nothing wrong with the word ya'll. I was raised in SC for 22 yrs before hitting the road to the Army. Everybody here in socal is always saying "you ain't fom 'round er ya"

nb

[darthnip]

i actually had a great divorce! and i mean both of us did and we're still friendly today and its been 13 years. we both realized that after 5 years we simply didn't need each other like we did at first. at first it was great, we both filled voids for each other that we both had. after a few years we kinda drifted apart. there was a 13 year age difference between us (i was 20, she was 33). after my kid was born i began working 16-20 hours a day, mostly 7 days a week. at times i was gone for 5-6 days at a time for work. the longer it went on the more guilty i felt about it. i was doing the right thing i thought, by providing for my family, but at the same time i was abandoning my wife and daughter without realizing it. to make a long story short, i found out from my 3 year olf daughter that my wife was seeing someone else. and the weird thing is, i wasn't mad about it. i actually felt relieved in a way. here i am working myself to death for this woman and child, but at the same time i wasn't taking care of their real needs. i really saw it as a chance for the owman i married to be happy. i was a workaholic back then and there was no changing that at the time. so when i figured out that she had founf someone else and had a chance to be happy, which she deserved, i was very supportive of it. we decided to have a peaceful divorce and do whats right for my kid. to this day we still communicate very well and i see my kid all the time. the man she found is still her husband, and he and i get along great. he's good to my daughter and he knows his role of step-dad, and he doesn't cross the line without talking to me first. i trust his judgement and if i cant be there with my daughter, i'd rather it be him than anybody. so you see, it really all worked out for the best.
for a couple weeks or so as it was all sinking in, my wife and i were talking about trying to work it out and stay together. we were both all for it, but also both unsure about it working in the long run. and we really didn't want to end up not liking each other and it ending nasty. one day i went over to see my grandmother, who was around 80 at the time and very very wise. that woman knew everything about everything and she hardly ever said a word. it was a running thing in the entire family that if grandma ever spoke, you better listen because it was important. i explained the whole situation to her in great detail and she sat there silently just soaking it all in. when she realized i was done speaking she sat for a minute and pondered about whatever a woman of her infinite wisdom ponders about and said one simple sentance to me that made it all seem very clear and it was the best guidance i'd ever received. she said "darth, you dont put spoiled milk back in the fridge hoping it will be fresh tomorrow." and thats it, she turned back to watching the news or something, but there was really nothing more to say. i went home and talked to my wife and we decided splitting up now while everything was still on the good side was the best thing to do. and we've been friendly and good parents ever since.

i wish you the best of luck. just remember one thing, you loved your spouse at one time no matter whats going on now. you both made each other feel like nobody else has made you feel or you wouldn't be where you are now. try to remember that if you do decide to split, it will make things so much easier on both of you. dont be spiteful, its a big waste of time. no matter what happened, the fault lies with both of you. people change, it happens. my ex more or less cheated on me behind my back and had my daughter in that with her! normally any man would be furious about it, but in all reality, i abandoned them, she was just trying to be happy. how could i stop the woman i loved from chasing that if i wasn't there to give it to her? being mad would have only effected my daughter, so it was very clear to me that being mad was pretty pointless, not to mention selfish. the best thing you can do is talk thru it and try to come to a mutual decision. it should never be one of you trying to make the other happy so you can stay together. it needs to be both of you working together to make your marriage work. or both of you in total agreement that splitting up and remaining peaceful is the smartest thing to do. if there are kids involved you have to realize they would rather see you apart and happy than togeher and miserable. in todays world divorce is so so common that its nothing like it used to be. most likely 90% of their friends are from divorced homes so they will have a lot of people to lean on that really understand it and can help be supportive.

whew! ok, that'll be $200, next session will be next tuesday at 4pm.

edit - and for the record, my ex and i both married other people within 1.5 years after we divorced and we both had kids with our new spouses. and we are both still with those people and both still very happy in our marriages.

[Alex]

Great post, Darth!

[darthnip]

see alex, im cool even though i eat meat

sorry, i couldn't resist. i really wasn't trying to make that chic mad, but she kinda jabbed me first. ok ok i know, back on topic.

[Ash]

Twice divorced. Never a fun thing. The first one was a relief, the second was a disappointment, but both were amicable. (Thankfully, no kids were involved.) I have no hard feelings, I want them to be happy. I'm planning on getting married again, I guess I'll never learn .

[bob706]

Originally Posted by darthnip

whew! ok, that'll be $200, next session will be next tuesday at 4pm.

I owe you a beer sir. Seriously, I want to buy you a beer. Very inspiring post. No matter what happens with my situation, your story has made me feel good. Let me know when and where and what you drink.

[darthnip]

you know ash, they say the third time is the charm. my best friend that i've known all my life just walked the plank for the third time even though i begged him not to and tried everything i could to stop him. it has been almost 2 years now for them and i have to admit i was dead wrong, i have never seen him so happy. so if your gut tells you to go for it, then go for it!

[darthnip]

Originally Posted by bob706

I owe you a beer sir. Seriously, I want to buy you a beer. Very inspiring post. No matter what happens with my situation, your story has made me feel good. Let me know when and where and what you drink.

hey any time, i've been thru it and i hate to hear of anyone else going thru it. especially since most people just do it all wrong. i think i did it the right way, so i do try to share my experience with anyone facing that situation. instead of a beer, just pass it on. or better yet, let your wife read that post! things happen in weird ways, maybe she'll read it and you'll see a certain look in her eye and the sparks will fly again and you'll both realize the right thing to do and the right way to do it, no matter what that may be.

[vet415]

Best of luck to ya. Just don't get caught up in the little things. Take care of the major stuff and move forward. Who knows, it just may be the best thing to ever happen to ya. Gene

by the way, we come down that way to mary ester quite often. will look ya up

[bob706]

Thanks Darth

[Reswob]

Originally Posted by ninjabrewer

6 yall's, I can tell she is from 'bama. One question. Is it "yall" or "ya'll"

nb

It's y'all (you all).

[overload]

Dude keep your ninjette

[CZroe]

Originally Posted by ninjabrewer

6 yall's, I can tell she is from 'bama. One question. Is it "yall" or "ya'll"

nb

You've already been told "neither," but I', here to correct your pluralizarion flub.

"y'alls" not "y'all's" (even ignoring that first apostrophe).

[Snake]

Thank you bob706, Darthnip and the rest of you for so bravely puting your stories out there and baring your souls. I am going thru a tuff time in my marriage and have been strgling with it for quite a while. You all have given me inpiration for the future. That feels good to let it out. Thanks.

[darthnip]

any time rick, glad to help. so many people forget that marriage is work. its not a thing that just stays as good as it was when it started. anything new feels awesome, but that newness does wear off. i feel fortunate to have gonoe thru the things i have. it helps me make my current marriage that much better. i've been with my wife for over 12 years and still every day i try to make sure she knows that she means the world to me. too many people just assume that your spouse will always be there. well im living proof that they wont. granted, i take the blame for that, but the fact remains.
there are lots of people that think they are going thru "tuff times" in a marriage, when the truth is that marriage is always a tuff time. its hard to live with someone else because there's a lot of give and take. you have to think of someone else in any decision you make. and if you dont, you wont have that someone for very long. i swear people think that they should just act the same as they did when they were single after they get married and its just not true. it could be something as simple as the way you cook a meal, or leaving the cap of the toothpaste off, it all matters. it all adds up over time and sooner or later the little petty things mean more than they should. its effort, its work, its freakin marriage. the one thing is certainly isn't is easy.
i wish you the best of luck. dont forget that person meant the world to you at some point, those are the parts you should try the hardest to never lose sight of.

[Sailariel]

Darth, Anything after your thread is footnote. Great insight.

[GreezMunky]

Wow Darth, I hope after 12 years with my husband we will feel that way about each other. 9 more years to go.. Excellent post.

[darthnip]

you will be together well after that 12 year mark if you never stop trying to woo each other.

[BlueRaven]

Going through one now. Life is too short to be unhappy. Lucky for me he lives 5,000 km apart so we don't have to akwardly bump into each other. I do feel sad that i couldn't make it work after 12 years of being with each other but we just had different goals and it was time to go on with our life instead of making each other miserable. He's a good guy and was kind enough to divide everything fairly so i can say so far it's a good experience. If you have a plan and both sit down and can decide what each other wants and most importantly be willing to comprimise before going to the lawyer everything should go smoothly. I was lucky to have no children involved.

[bob706]

Originally Posted by BlueRaven

Life is too short to be unhappy.

[bob706]

Thanks to everyone that posted. I appreciate ya'll
Without going into too much detail, my wife and I have agreed to divorce peacefully without bloodsucking lawyers! The paperwork involved is staggering to say the least but the weight off my mind and soul is a wonderful feeling, and I'm sure for her also. I especially want to thank Darthnip for his insight. You da man!

[LazinCajun]

Hope it works out for you both, Sean.

[CZroe]

Originally Posted by bob706

Thanks to everyone that posted. I appreciate ya'll

Nice try, but... FAIL

j/k

But seriously, it's "y'all."

[darthnip]

well man im glad to hear its going to be peaceful, and i hope both of you keep it that way thru the process and after. i hate to hear anyone getting the big D, but at least you're going to do it right. good luck

[BlueRaven]

I am so happy to hear that. I wish you all the best.

[shellneil]

marriage is a 24/7 job that is never easy
i just recently got married 2 months ago, and i sometimes feel the honeymoon is over , i think we just let lifes ups and down get to us. but no matter what we love eachother and thats all that matters, when it gets rough just think of how you felt the moment you knew you loved her and no matter what love will see you through.i truly feeel its easier being single but yet so lonely and life realkly has no meaning, being a bachelor is only cool for so long, it gets old real quick.stick it out,if its ment to be it will be if not chuck it up as a loss and find the ONE.

[bob706]

Just an update, not getting divorced, going to marriage counseling, things are great, thanks to all that posted kind words.

[BlueRaven]

Good to hear sean wish you two all the best

[Snake]

This is good to hear especialy with the holidays coming. Great news for you.