What are you thoughts on nursing homes?

[Apex]

I made a post on FB and some took it out of context.

In short, I stated that your parents took care of you for 18+ years, when they get older, you can take care of them. Don't throw them into a nursing home because you are lazy.

It was quite general but it did make a good discussion.



In short, I don't like it when people just throw their parents in there. It was directed to those who can't be bothered with their parents. You know, those that put them in there and never visit, never call to check in on them, those are the ones I was talking about in my post.


Now, there are circumstances where I feel it would be best. For starters, the social aspect...people around their age whom they can relate to. That is a good thing. Second, if they require more care than you can give. They have staff to assist them and help with meds so they don't forget to take them. Plus they are there to assist them when they need it. That is a great thing to have. Third, a more simplistic lifestyle. They tend to serve food for them there, so the parents would not need to worry about making something to eat. Also, there is only a few bills, compared to a home.


What are your thoughts? My grandmother just moved into one because she wanted something that required less care, she liked the simplicity of it as well. My grandfather (dad's side), is a different case. He is having some issues and I can see why they would want to put him in there. He is getting quite forgetful and needs to be monitored. I am ok with that because I know we will all visit often.

My mom messaged me and asked me to remove the post. I did, because if you only read the first line, you can take it out of context. You have to go through the 30+ responses below to get the full thought behind the post.

I just see no problem with parents moving in with the kids for an easier retirement for their parents. If more care is required than you can handle, then sure, do what is best for them.

[FrugalNinja250]

I wish that our society actually cared about the elderly, but alas, it's a competitive cut-throat society that delegates those of lesser ability to contribute toward wealth-building to the meat scrap heap.

At some point, all those that consider our elderly as disposable will themselves be disposable, and justice will be served. Too late to matter for them, of course, that merely adds to the deliciousness of the situation.

[Goom]

It really depends on the individual case. I think nursing homes are great if it is a place where you know your loved ones will be well cared for and you make a point to still go visit with them or take them places. I hate when families drop off grandma and just wait for her to die. You see way too much of that at nursing homes.

[adouglas]

My wife is a nurse who has worked in skilled care facilities (what are commonly called "nursing homes") for most of her life.

Blanket statements are, as with most complex questions in life, not useful. Whether or not it's a good idea to go that route involves considerations of economics, humanity, morality, ethics, quality of life, family dynamics, personal preferences, the law and many other factors.

It's too easy to think of this as a black-and-white issue. It's anything but. This is a choice each family must make for themselves.

What's often overlooked is the problems a family can cause when they insist on something the elderly person does not want and/or that is not in their best interests.

My wife often came home with tales of family members who would not let a parent go, when the parent was clearly ready to move on.

Another thing that's often lost in the discussion is the wishes of a parent who wants the kids to have a good quality of life and the best chance at success. The kids feel obligated to care for the parent at great expense, causing massive family stress and financial hardship for themselves. These kinds of things can and do tear families apart.

At the same time, the stereotypical image of an unwanted elderly person being dumped into the system also does happen.

The point is that it's not as simple as you might think if you've not been in that situation.

[Apex]

I'm with you there. It is hard to state "this is right and this is wrong".

Like one lady my wife saw when she used to visit them in high school was abandoned there. People like my grandmother, she wanted to go there.

I do feel the one blanket statement I can make is that people need to do what is best for the person, not what they want.

[Snake]

My parents took care of my grandmother as long as they could until she had a stroke and then it made more sense to put her in a nursing home where they could better meet her needs. Going to thr nursing home gave my grandmother a better quality of life. We visited her every weekend.

[cuong-nutz]

In the asian culture or at least Vietnamese, we generally take care of our parents when they get older and bring them in to live with us. Then again, we do tend to live healthier and longer lives than most so most are able to move about and do things before they pass at 90+ years.

I'm all for letting your parents grandparents go to an assisted living or nursing home if you cannot provide the care that they need at home. It is sad though to hear stories how the kids just ship off their parents to nursing homes and forget about them.

[lgk]

Originally Posted by cuong-nutz

In the asian culture or at least Vietnamese, we generally take care of our parents when they get older and bring them in to live with us.

most asian cultures find it shameful if you don't take care of elders.

i couldn't put my dad in a nursing home unless he was a danger to himself, and home health care was insufficient.

[nycsteve]

Puerto Rican (and many latin) culture dictates that we must take care of our parents. I couldn't even think about putting my parents or my grand parents in a home. Sometimes it gets frustrating, but you can't get that type of love anywhere.

[AznJoJo]

Originally Posted by cuong-nutz

In the asian culture or at least Vietnamese, we generally take care of our parents when they get older and bring them in to live with us. Then again, we do tend to live healthier and longer lives than most so most are able to move about and do things before they pass at 90+ years.

Cuong is right. Asians take care of their elders by having them at home. Plus its nice to have them there for you talk to. Also, my grandma makes really good garlic fried rice.

[dirty nasty]

I worked in a kitchen at a nursing home. I thought it smelled bad and most of the residents seemed miserable.

My mom put my grandmother in a home when my grandmother ran into a lot of issues. However, my mom put her into a home that she worked at (mom's an LPN). So, every single day my mother was there, working and taking take of my grandmother at the same time. It worked out great! She was very happy with the arrangement and passed at a very happy and ripe age.

[00NissanNinja]

My Grandmother has dementia (possibly brought on by the strokes she had) we had her living with us for 3 years after we got her from alabama. But because she attacked my Mom randomly one day while my Mom was organizing her room the state forced her to be in a nursing home. I don't like the home she is in and they lock her up in the building all the time. But my Mom visits just about everyday and I applaud her for doing so. I visit weekly, I never really got to know my grandmother that well. I do have to say her rather filled with expletives imaginary conversations in the middle of the night were entertaining but very annoying when I had to sleep for college the next morning lol. I can't say that the home is absolute crap and I can't say that I like it. On one hand it keeps all of us safe from a crazy fighting grandmother (She has been temper-mental her whole life) and my Mom doesn't have to constantly clean up after her, but on the other I don't dig her living quarters and neither does my Mom.

[Sailariel]

I think that Andrew hit the nail on the head. It is all dependent on the circumstances. Can a person care for an elderly parent without doing harm?

I have an MSW with a certification in Gerontology and have worked with mentally ill geriatric patients for 20 years. The nursing home question always comes up. There are nursing homes that are the pits, and there are nursing homes that are like a resort. Most fall somewhere in between.

My wife and I took care of her parents for seven years. We built a totally handicap accessible addition to our house (My Master's Thesis was on Barrier Free Environments for the Elderly) Our lives changed, and the marriage was at times stressed, but we have no regrets. Her parents were at times nursing home material--and during those times we utilized home health care. I developed a good case of tendonitis moving her dad to the table. That went away with some physical therapy.

I do ascribe to the Asian way. I like Asian food, and almost everything Asian. Even though it was during the war, I felt comfortable in Vietnam. I really like the people and had to some degree an advantage over my fellow soldiers because I spoke French.

In Eldercare one can get over their head--I am thinking in particular of a person with Altzheimers who becomes violent.

It is a dilemma that people will face at least once in their lives.