The New Season of Top Gear Starts Today!!!!

[2WheelGuy]

Episode one from series 15 has aired and we now know that the Stig supports Norway and invented the vuvuzela, James May was responsible for the volcanic eruption that ruined your holiday using vodka-cooled tyres, and Hammond is a particularly close friend of Louis Spence.

Link to original page on YouTube.

[Guinss]

Been counting down all day. Waiting now for the torrent to be released. Can't wait much longer! I need Top Gear!

[nate-bama]

great show james rocks!

[2WheelGuy]

Originally Posted by Guinss

Been counting down all day. Waiting now for the torrent to be released. Can't wait much longer! I need Top Gear!

It's on RU and Piranha.

[2WheelGuy]

Originally Posted by nate-bama

great show james rocks!

Yeah he does. Some people say I look like him.

[Reswob]

It's on overseas, but when will it air on BBCA!?

[Alex]

Originally Posted by 2WheelGuy

It's on RU and Piranha.

I hadn't thought to check RU. There's an HD version of it up there now too, while BBCA isn't HD on DirecTV. Though seeing Jeremy in HD doesn't seem to really add anything to the show.

James driving up the volcano was epic.

[2WheelGuy]

Originally Posted by Alex

James driving up the volcano was epic.

Leave it to Captain Slow to have his tires catch on fire because he was moving too slow while driving on hot lava.

[Flashmonkey]

Originally Posted by 2WheelGuy

Yeah he does. Some people say I look like him.

You poor bastard!

[Postiez]

I like the show but whenever they compare bikes they dont do a great job and it makes me rage

[2WheelGuy]

Originally Posted by Postiez

I like the show but whenever they compare bikes they dont do a great job and it makes me rage

Jeremy Clarkson doesn't like motorcycles, at least that is his show persona.

[Alex]

Jeremy's best quotes:

JEREMY CLARKSON QUOTES

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

· The Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a bath together playing with lots of jelly."

· About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

· "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

· Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"

· On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

· "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

· "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

· "The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

· "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

· "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

· "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

· On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

· "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

· Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

· "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."

· "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."

· "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years."


· On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"

· "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

· On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

· "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

· "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."

· "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

· Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"

· Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."

· Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

· "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."

· "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."

· "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

· "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

· "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

· "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

· "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

· On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

I love this article he wrote after he was seen riding a scooter:

Link to original

Recently, various newspapers ran a photograph of me on a small motorcycle. They all pointed out that I hate motorbikes and that by riding one I had exposed myself as a hypocrite who should commit suicide immediately.

Hmmm. Had I been photographed riding the local postmistress, then, yes, I’d have been shamed into making some kind of apology. But it was a motorcycle. And I don’t think it even remotely peculiar that a motoring journalist should ride such a thing. Not when there is a problem with the economy and many people are wondering if they should make a switch from four wheels to two.

Unfortunately, you cannot make this switch on a whim, because this is Britain and there are rules. Which means that before climbing on board you must go to a car park, put on a high-visibility jacket and spend the morning driving round some cones while a man called Dave — all motorcycle instructors are called Dave — explains which lever does what.

Afterwards, you will be taken on the road, where you will drive about for several hours in a state of abject fear and misery, and then you will go home and vow never to get on a motorcycle ever again.

This is called compulsory basic training and it allows you to ride any bike up to 125cc. If you want to ride something bigger, you must take a proper test. But, of course, being human, you will not want a bigger bike, because then you will be killed immediately while wearing clothing from the Ann Summers “Dungeon” range.

Right, first things first. The motorbike is not like a car. It will not stand up when left to its own devices. So, when you are not riding it, it must be leant against a wall or a fence. I’m told some bikes come with footstools which can be lowered to keep them upright. But then you have to lift the bike onto this footstool, and that’s like trying to lift up an American.

Next: the controls. Unlike with a car, there seems to be no standardisation in the world of motorcycling. Some have gearlevers on the steering wheel. Some have them on the floor, which means you have to shift with your feet — how stupid is that? — and some are automatic.

Then we get to the brakes. Because bikes are designed by bikers — and bikers, as we all know, are extremely dim — they haven’t worked out how the front and back brake can be applied at the same time. So, to stop the front wheel, you pull a lever on the steering wheel, and to stop the one at the back, you press on a lever with one of your feet.

A word of warning, though. If you use only the front brake, you will fly over the steering wheel and be killed. If you try to use the back one, you will use the wrong foot and change into third gear instead of stopping. So you’ll hit the obstacle you were trying to avoid, and you’ll be killed.

Then there is the steering. The steering wheel comes in the shape of what can only be described as handlebars, but if you turn them — even slightly — while riding along, you will fall off and be killed. What you have to do is lean into the corner, fix your gaze on the course you wish to follow, and then you will fall off and be killed.

As far as the minor controls are concerned, well . . . you get a horn and lights and indicators, all of which are operated by various switches and buttons on the steering wheel, but if you look down to see which one does what, a truck will hit you and you will be killed. Oh, and for some extraordinary reason, the indicators do not self-cancel, which means you will drive with one of them on permanently, which will lead following traffic to think you are turning right. It will then undertake just as you turn left, and you will be killed.

What I’m trying to say here is that, yes, bikes and cars are both forms of transport, but they have nothing in common. Imagining that you can ride a bike because you can drive a car is like imagining you can swallow-dive off a 90ft cliff because you can play table tennis.

However, many people are making the switch because they imagine that having a small motorcycle will be cheap. It isn’t. Sure, the 125cc Vespa I tried can be bought for £3,499, but then you will need a helmet (£300), a jacket (£500), some Freddie Mercury trousers (£100), shoes (£130), a pair of Kevlar gloves (£90), a coffin (£1,000), a headstone (£750), a cremation (£380) and flowers in the church (£200).

In other words, your small 125cc motorcycle, which has no boot, no electric windows, no stereo and no bloody heater even, will end up costing more than a Volkswagen Golf. That said, a bike is much cheaper to run than a car. In fact, it takes only half a litre of fuel to get from your house to the scene of your first fatal accident. Which means that the lifetime cost of running your new bike is just 50p.

So, once you have decided that you would like a bike, the next problem is choosing which one. And the simple answer is that, whatever you select, you will be a laughing stock. Motorbiking has always been a hobby rather than an alternative to proper transport, and as with all hobbies, the people who partake are extremely knowledgeable. It often amazes me that in their short lives bikers manage to learn as much about biking as people who angle, or those who watch trains pull into railway stations.

Whatever. Because they are so knowledgeable, they will know precisely why the bike you select is rubbish and why theirs is superb. Mostly, this has something to do with “getting your knee down”, which is a practice undertaken by bikers moments before the crash that ends their life.

You, of course, being normal, will not be interested in getting your knee down; only in getting to work and most of the way home again before you die. That’s why I chose to test the Vespa, which is much loathed by trainspotting bikers because they say it is a scooter. This is racism. Picking on a machine because it has no crossbar is like picking on a person because he has slitty eyes or brown skin. Frankly, I liked the idea of a bike that has no crossbar, because you can simply walk up to the seat and sit down. Useful if you are Scottish and go about your daily business in a skirt.

I also liked the idea of a Vespa because most bikes are Japanese. This means they are extremely reliable so you cannot avoid a fatal crash by simply breaking down. This is entirely possible on a Vespa because it is made in Italy.

Mind you, there are some drawbacks you might like to consider. The Vespa is not driven by a chain. Instead, the engine is mounted to the side of the rear wheel for reasons that are lost in the mists of time and unimportant anyway. However, it means the bike is wider and fitted with bodywork like a car, to shroud the moving hot bits. That makes it extremely heavy. Trying to pick it up after you’ve fallen off it is impossible.

What’s more, because the heavy engine is on the right, the bike likes turning right much more than it likes turning left. This means that in all left-handed bends, you will be killed.

Unless you’ve been blown off by the sheer speed of the thing. At one point I hit 40mph and it was as though my chest was being battered by a freezing-cold hurricane. It was all I could do to keep a grip on the steering wheel with my frostbitten fingers.

I therefore hated my experience of motorcycling and would not recommend it to anyone.

[Flashmonkey]

LOL Clarkson's wit is razor sharp....and his dislike of motorcycles is entertaining as well. I read that article he wrote above shortly before I started riding and cried myself laughing so hard. I then knew that I had to get on a bike asap!

[2WheelGuy]

Originally Posted by Flashmonkey

You poor bastard!

May & Me

[Flashmonkey]

Wow you do look like him!!

[Postiez]

OMFG that ep was SOOOO FUNNY

my face actually hurts after watching it