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Old November 23rd, 2014, 04:07 PM   #481
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I saw a fast food commercial an the stuff on it looked like real food
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Old November 26th, 2014, 03:40 AM   #482
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Old November 26th, 2014, 04:56 AM   #483
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex View Post
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
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Old December 20th, 2014, 08:52 PM   #484
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So my wife is playing a trivia game.

The question: Which one of the following dolphins is pink?

Spotted
Orca
Chinese
Bottlenose

She asks me.... What do you think my response was?

Answer: None of the above. ahahahahahhahahaha
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Old December 21st, 2014, 11:01 PM   #485
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Why can't you eat mothballs? It's too hard to get their little legs apart.
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Old April 3rd, 2015, 05:41 AM   #486
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Why does the Easter Bunny giggle whenever he plays soccer?





Because the grass tickles his balls.
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Old April 14th, 2015, 04:50 PM   #487
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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving down the road. An officer pulls Heisenberg over and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I'm going." The officer says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg says "Great, now I'm lost..." Then the officer, thinking this is suspicious, asks him to pop the trunk. The officer says "Hey, do y'all know there's a dead cat in here?" Shrödinger says, "We do now, asshole!" The officer says "I give up. I'm arresting you." Ohm resists.
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Old July 28th, 2016, 05:27 PM   #488
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The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Old July 28th, 2016, 06:23 PM   #489
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Old March 24th, 2017, 11:29 AM   #490
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Spoiler for punchline:
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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Old March 26th, 2017, 08:45 PM   #491
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Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gases here".
He doesn't react.
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Old April 12th, 2017, 04:43 PM   #492
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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store...

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'
Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the **** do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

Spoiler for punchline:
He responded 'They had eggs.'
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Old April 14th, 2017, 09:36 AM   #493
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lockie View Post

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all
your friends, you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
the correct spelling for Canada is C'nd

when the first Americans asked how to spell that, the C'nd's said

C eh'... n eh'... d eh' ya blue nose hozer


thus it was know as Canada for ever more.
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Old April 14th, 2017, 11:37 AM   #494
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I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

Spoiler for punchline:
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
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Old June 13th, 2017, 11:31 AM   #495
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman...

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Spoiler for punchline:
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
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Old August 19th, 2017, 11:25 AM   #496
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Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen. When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"

Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."

Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a- bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen and said to the cook "will you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" The cook's jaw dropped and the monk said "Oh don't worry, that's just the name of the fish. It's a son-of-a-bitch fish."

Satisfied with the explanation, he fileted and cooked the fish beautifully. Later that day, the cardinal of the monastery came to him and said "I have news. The pope is coming for dinner tonight."

"Oh!" said the cook. "Well I am preparing a delicious son-of-a-bitch for dinner, and yes, that's the name of the fish." The cardinal was puzzled and said "well ok then. See you tonight."

The pope arrived to a beautiful dinner. He asked the cardinal to pray over the meal. The cardinal prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to catch this son-of-a-bitch, prepare and cook this son-of-a-bitch, and allow us to serve this delicious son-of-a-bitch to the pope. Amen."

The Pope was wide eyed at the end of the prayer. He calmly pulled his hat off his head and set it on the table. He looks up and says,

Spoiler for punch line:
"I used to think you guys were lame, but you mother ****ers are all right!"
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Old August 19th, 2017, 11:52 AM   #497
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Old October 19th, 2017, 03:06 PM   #498
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A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

Spoiler for punchline:
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
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Old November 28th, 2017, 04:43 PM   #499
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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

Spoiler for punchline:
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
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Old November 29th, 2017, 09:31 PM   #500
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Old February 13th, 2018, 04:56 PM   #501
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Very, very, sad day. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
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Old September 6th, 2018, 09:00 AM   #502
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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

Spoiler for punchline:
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
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Old September 6th, 2018, 10:30 AM   #503
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Old September 8th, 2018, 07:34 AM   #504
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A lady we will call Angie is at a local fast food restaurant. The line was long and not moving fast, the lady behind her had a small child with her. The kid was yelling the whole time " I want an apple pie". So, when Angie got to the counter she asked for a #3 with a coke, and then asked "how many apple pies do you have?" The guy looks and says "12", she says "I will take all of them"...preventing the boy from getting his pie.
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Old September 9th, 2018, 05:09 PM   #505
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Wut?
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