Jokes?

[Jiggles]

Originally Posted by choneofakind

What's the only ailment to ever get Chuck Norris sick??


Kung Flu!!

Well, the important thing is that you tried

[choneofakind]

Originally Posted by Jiggles

Well, the important thing is that you tried

shut up jiggles!!!!

[choneofakind]

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does a hipster buy it's album?

EDIT: fixed for correctness. Need to proofread.

[Liist]

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your **** ** * ****** ***'* ***.

Not going to post the real answer in public. It might be bannably obscene.

[Jiggles]

Originally Posted by Liist

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your **** ** * ****** ***'* ***.

Not going to post the real answer in public. It might be bannably obscene.

Ill take a stab, is it "you can't jelly your dick in a vagina can't ass."?

[choneofakind]

[ninjabrewer]

The Biology test Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...

7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.

He got an A+.

[ninjabrewer]

This is one of those I had to post...


Enjoy

NB

(This should keep

you chuckling for awhile)



A bar called

Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on

an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to

block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck

the bar and burned it to the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the

power of prayer".



The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the

church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,

through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any

connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the

defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the

paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the

power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

True story !!

[loz944]

Q. Why is your salary like a women's period ?

A. It comes once a month and lasts for about 5 days

And if it doesn't come your F***ed

[Alex]

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, “When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I’d like to hear them say……LOOK, HE’S MOVING!

[broilmebk]

Bill was visiting his friend Mack who recently got back home from surgery on his arm. He was hopped up on pain meds and watching tv from his lazboy. Bill felt really bad and wanted to do something to help. Mack kept saying no, but Bill insisted. Finally, Mack gave in and said, "Fine. You can get my slippers from upstairs. I think I left em in the bathroom".
Bill went upstairs and got to the bathroom. It wasn't closed all the way so he just walked in. To his surprise Mack's daughters were both in there, naked.
"What are you doing!?" One of em yelled
"Your dad sent me up here to **** you guys" Bill said
"Nuh uh!" Said one
"Prove it!" Demanded the other
Bill turned to the hallway and yelled downstairs. "Hey Mack! Both of them?"
Mack yelled back, "Of course both! What's the point in ****ing one of em?"

[Alex]

Funniest QB-related fake facebook stream you'll read today.

[Alex]

Guy comes home from golf one day, and his wife asks how the day was.
"Just terrible," he says. "Jerry had a heart attack on the fifth hole and died!"
His wife is shocked, and replies "My gosh, that must have been awful!"
"It was! From then on, it was hit the ball, drag Jerry. Hit the ball, drag Jerry..."

[CC Cowboy]

Oparah Winfrey getting stopped at airport check point. They lifted up the back of her skirt. You know what they found?........( 50 pounds of crack)

[lockie]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians;
during a recent appearance at Ceasers in Windsor :

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada ..

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
but leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 95 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction, You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all
your friends, you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

[adouglas]

"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descended on Billy’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.

The phone rang at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[Jiggles]

Originally Posted by adouglas

"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"So?"
"Oh uhh, well shouldn't you..."
*click*

Edited for CA version

[adouglas]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[ninjabrewer]

Have not posted on here in quite a while, but I had to post this one.

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, could we have sex?"

The woman said, "Hell no... get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

nb

[Alex]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

[gibtzumich318]

I was going to tell you guys a gay joke, butt **** it.

[CC Cowboy]

To avoid political incorrectiveness (Alabameze) please insert any race or ethnicity you wish......
A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.
The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The black guy says to the redneck:
"You see how clever we are?
You rednecks can never beat that!"
The redneck says to the black guy:
"Watch this, a Redneck is always smarter than a black man."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which redneck promptly eats. Then he says
to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Redneck eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The redneck says:
"Look in his pocket!"

[ally99]

Bumping the jokes thread because, well, tomorrow's Monday. Need some laughs, but all stuff is elementary friendly, like this one:

Where does a snowman keep his life savings? (FB friends, don't tell. )






In a snowbank!

[corksil]

Family friendly? Uhhhh, I dunno. This one is a dirty joke, I'm not sure if it's appropriate.

Okay here we go.

"Two white horses went for a walk. The first horse pushed the second horse into a mud puddle."

*crickets...*

*confusion..*

*silence...*

It's a DIRTY joke... get it?!













Okay here's another one.

A man walked into a bar.















Ow.

Edit -- just realized that my fly was down. Maybe that's why you guys were laughing.

[BobsPT]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
" I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail!"

[ally99]

Originally Posted by BobsPT

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
" I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail!"

OMG, that was was worthy of a

[ally99]

Damn, I MEANT for my original bump to say all MY stuff is elementary. Bring on the adult jokes too!

[BobsPT]

A rapist enters bedroom, he ties up both the husband & wife to the bed,

he then kisses the wife's ear & goes to bathroom.

Husband tells wife- "Satisfy him or he will kill us. Be strong. I love you"!

Wife - He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's Gay,
So be strong, I love you too!

[ally99]

So I think my radar is warped from so many elementary jokes consuming my mind, but that was funny as hell!

[Sykes92]

Somewhat of a self-explanatory joke. Watch for giggles.
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7958377216/h781BA7DD/

[JohnnyBravo]

This old man stopped by the side of the ol mountain road to fix a pretty ladies flat tire, the snow was falling so his hands were freezin, he nicely asked the lady if he could rest his hands between her thighs to warm them, after 3 or 4 times of hand warming the lady whispered "warm your ears a while"

[jokesonyou24]

Originally Posted by choneofakind

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does a hipster buy it's album?

EDIT: fixed for correctness. Need to proofread.

No, they start a blog and an online petition about buying its album...It had the word hipster, I had to

[BobsPT]

Man 1: I am getting married. How would I
know if my wife is a virgin?

Man 2: Get an "Irish Virginity Test" Kit.

Man 1: What's that?

Man 2: It contains a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint and a Hammer.

Man 1: That sounds crazy! How can virginity be tested with that?

Man 2: Paint your right ball Red and left ball Blue... and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen, hit her on her head with the hammer !

[Alex]

From reddit this morning:

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says:
"Meow."

[Alex]

More from reddit:

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

[CZroe]

Originally Posted by CZroe

Person 1: Michael Jackson's face was so horribly disfigured that they had to have a closed-casket funeral.
Person 2: Oh my. That's horrible. How did he die?
Person 1: Heart attack.

Other than the tense (we were talking about his upcoming funeral), that's how the conversation went between my brother and I the day MJ died.

Was too soon then (I was literally informing him of MJ's death in that exchange) but now I'm hoping it's OK to laugh.

[Alex]

"Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're going to go blind."

"Dad, I'm over here."

[Alex]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof....

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Alex]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[ally99]

Dear Turkeys, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.