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Old March 3rd, 2009, 12:11 AM   #81
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription
is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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Old March 4th, 2009, 12:13 PM   #82
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A tired-looking man boarded a plane with his 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

Irritated, he replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
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Old March 4th, 2009, 07:29 PM   #83
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Chris that last one was over the top!!
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Old March 4th, 2009, 10:34 PM   #84
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Thanks, here's another one:


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Old March 4th, 2009, 10:40 PM   #85
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Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
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Old March 7th, 2009, 01:07 PM   #86
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was
very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight
high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little
feet and spanked him on his bottom Connor began to cry. The paramedic then
thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place .......spank his butt again!'
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Old March 7th, 2009, 01:07 PM   #87
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The Father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"

"No," replied the woman. "Divorce attorney."
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Old March 9th, 2009, 07:29 AM   #88
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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time)
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Old March 14th, 2009, 03:09 PM   #89
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Grandma's idea

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the
distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your
grandma's idea.
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Old March 14th, 2009, 03:11 PM   #90
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
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Old March 16th, 2009, 11:18 PM   #91
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays!"
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Old March 17th, 2009, 09:28 PM   #92
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A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
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Old March 18th, 2009, 04:43 AM   #93
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haha!

I got one.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't going to come!!
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Old March 18th, 2009, 03:50 PM   #94
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A collection of Steven Wright quotes:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever..... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights
work?
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Old March 21st, 2009, 01:07 PM   #95
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I like that one, makes you think..

Here's another, hope no one is offended by religious jokes.

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent , they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.'
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Old April 7th, 2009, 09:34 PM   #96
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There was this 2nd grade class that had been learning about the 4 food groups. This week they happened to be learning about meats. Every day the teacher would blindfold one of the kids and give them something different to try and see if they could guess what it was.
The first day, she blindfolded little Johnny and gave him some chicken. "Mmmm. this is chicken!" She told him good job.
The next day, she brought in some roast beef. Blindfolded little Jimmy took a bite and said" this is Roast Beef I know it!" She patted him ont he back and told him good job.
The third day she brought in pork chops. Little Tommy put on the blindfold and took a bite. He guessed it was a pork chop right away. " Great job Tommy" the teacher said.
For the last day she decided to make things more challenging. Her husband was a hunter and he had killed a deer a few days ago so she brought in some venison. She blinfolded Little Joey and told him that today's emat was pretty different and would be tough to guess. He took a few bites, thought for a minute. Took a few more bites, thought some more. After a while he said "Mrs. Jones I have no idea. It tastes great but I don't know what it is."
She told him to take another bite and she woud give him a hint. As he was chewing she told him "your hint is- it's what your mommy calls your daddy!"
Little Johnny in the back of the room yells "Spit it out it's @sshole!"
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Old April 8th, 2009, 05:09 AM   #97
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LOL! That's a good one. Had to re-read the ending because I thought Jimmy was Johnny and vice versa.
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Old April 8th, 2009, 05:25 AM   #98
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Knock Knock

Whos there?

Tom Sawyer

Tom Sawyer who?

Tom saw yer underpants!
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Old April 8th, 2009, 05:53 PM   #99
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Old April 8th, 2009, 10:40 PM   #100
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Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it
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Old April 10th, 2009, 11:59 AM   #101
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Stopped for Speeding

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the bike bag.
• Officer: There's drugs in the bag too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your bike bag? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The bike bag was opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Old April 10th, 2009, 12:03 PM   #102
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Watch the Signs

• A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
• And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
• The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
• Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.
• "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
• "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
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Old April 10th, 2009, 12:05 PM   #103
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Dont wear your jacket backwards!!!

• Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
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Old April 10th, 2009, 02:06 PM   #104
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Old April 10th, 2009, 11:52 PM   #105
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AHAHAH, very nice Diana.

Wonder what bike the nuns were riding, 205? Dam thats fast
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Old April 11th, 2009, 07:52 AM   #106
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Originally Posted by miks View Post
AHAHAH, very nice Diana.

Wonder what bike the nuns were riding, 205? Dam thats fast
Originally the joke is with a car, 4 nuns total, and the other highway was something like 150 or so. I like how he changed it for the bikes though.
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Old April 11th, 2009, 04:41 PM   #107
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rofl:

Those were good,

and welcome to the boards

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Old April 11th, 2009, 08:28 PM   #108
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Not really a joke, but I thought it was funny.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 12:22 PM   #109
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

“Little partner,” the firefighter said, “I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.”
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Old April 19th, 2009, 08:26 PM   #110
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Okay my turn lol.


So a guy is driving down the road late at night. He's got a long ways to go yet, and he realizes that he really needs to take a crap. Unfortunately, since it's about 3am, nothing is open. So he keeps driving and driving, hoping that he finds something.

A while later, he sees a port-a-pot on the side of the road and decides to stop. He goes in the port-a-pot and does his business.

Once he finishes up, he realizes that there's no toilet paper. Instead there is a sign on the wall above a small hole, and this is what it reads: "Wipe your @ss with your pointer and middle fingers, put them through this hole, and someone will lick them for you".

He thinks to himself, "no way, I won't do that!"
So he sits there for a long while.

Finally, he decides "what the hell" and does it. He wipes his @ss with his pointer and middle fingers and sticks them through the hole.

There's a guy on the other side of the wall, and when the guy in the port-a-pot put his fingers through the hole, the guy crushes them in between two bricks.

The guy in the port-a-pot quickly pulls his fingers back and puts them in his mouth...
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Old April 27th, 2009, 09:48 PM   #111
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One day, a man at his office work decided to call home and see how things are going at home. He makes the call and a little girl answer the phone. The man said “Hello sweetie, what is mommy doing at home?” The little girl replies “Mommy is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Nick.” The man said “Ok honey, I want you to do Dad a favor. I want you to go upstairs, bang on the bedroom door and yell out Daddy’s home. After that, come to the phone and tell me what happen.” After 5 minutes of being on hold, the little girl returns to the phone and said “I did what you ask me to daddy.” The man replied “What happen.” The little girl stated “Well, mommy and Uncle Nick made a bunch of noise and then I saw uncle Nick jump out the back window and landed in the pool but there is no water in the pool. Mommy made some noises too and jump out the back window too and landed in the pool but there is no water in the pool.” The man thought to himself for a moment pool? He then replied “Is this 555-6789.”
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Old April 29th, 2009, 05:47 AM   #112
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THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN






An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His

only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,



I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden20plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.






Love,

Dad






A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Dad,  



Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.






Love, Vinnie






At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,



Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.






Love you, Vinnie
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Old May 1st, 2009, 01:26 PM   #113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueTyke View Post
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN






An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His

only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,



I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden20plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.






Love,

Dad






A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Dad,  



Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.






Love, Vinnie






At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,



Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.






Love you, Vinnie


I heard one similar to that one several years ago, but I liked this version better.

nb
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Old May 15th, 2009, 12:09 AM   #114
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OK, lets get this thread going again......

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to
Send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half & mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had
Accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo!

He's really worried but then remembers how bad his
Grandmother's' eyesight is & hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from
His grandmother.

It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your
Hairstyle. .. . . It makes your nose look too short."

Love,
Grandma.
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Old May 15th, 2009, 05:14 AM   #115
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MOTM - Jul '18, Nov '16, Aug '14, May '13
My favorite joke... a two-parter.



PART I

A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one... with everything."



PART II

So the hot dog vendor gives the Buddhist his lunch, and the Buddhist pays with a 20 dollar bill.

The hot dog vendor puts the money in his pocket.

The Buddhist says "What about my change?"

The hot dog vendor says, "Change must come from within."
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Old June 1st, 2009, 02:33 PM   #116
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time to get this thread kick started again

so here is another one

Mildred, the church gossip, and self appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank ,a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ...
walked home
...... . .and left it there all night !!!

(You gotta love Frank !)
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Old June 1st, 2009, 10:11 PM   #117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Countrygirl View Post
Real Classified Ads
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

LOL
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Old June 15th, 2009, 10:45 AM   #118
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Florida bikers and their babes

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Old June 15th, 2009, 04:31 PM   #119
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Don't if this true or not, but my mom sent me this.

enjoy

Posted to

Craig's List Personals:
To the
Guy Who Tried to Mug Me
in
Downtown Savannah night before
last.

Date:

2009-03-23, 3:43 AM

EST
was the
guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded
I hand
over, shortly
after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse
and earrings.
I
hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
apologize.
I didn't
expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol
after
you
took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason
that
evening, and it wasn't that cold
outside.
You see, my
girlfriend had
just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP
pistol for Christmas,
and we had just picked up a shoulder holster
for it that evening..
Beautiful pistol,
eh?
It's a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head, isn't it? I know it probably
wasn't a great deal of fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with
that brown sludge
flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was
even worse since you
also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone,
and wallet with me. I
couldn't have you calling up any of your
buddies to come help you try
to mug us
again.
I took the
liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself and four
other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on
your credit card. The guy
with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys
over by Vinnie Van Go
Go's, along with all of the cash in your
wallet.
I threw
the wallet
in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at
the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the
drivers side. I called a
bunch of phone sex numbers from your
cellphone. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones.
Ma Bell just shut down
the line, and I've only had the phone for a
little over a day now, so
I don't know what's going on with that. I
hope they haven't
permanently cut off your
service.
I could only
get in two threatening
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the
FBI with it. The FBI guy
was really pissed and we had a long chat (I
guess while he traced the
number).
I'd also like
to apologize for not killing you and
instead
making you walk back home humiliated. I'm
hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next
time you might not be so
lucky..

Alex

P.S. Remember
this motto...... an armed society is a polite
society!
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Old June 15th, 2009, 04:34 PM   #120
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Saw this in Lattitudes and Attitudes Magazine

This one was seen on the main road to Mombassa,
leaving Nairobi - "Take Notice: When This Sign
Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable."
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