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Old September 18th, 2009, 05:18 AM   #161
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Two women were playing golf; one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
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Old September 18th, 2009, 05:56 AM   #162
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Best one I've heard in years.
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Old September 18th, 2009, 11:59 PM   #163
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Person 1: Michael Jackson's face was so horribly disfigured that they had to have a closed-casket funeral.
Person 2: Oh my. That's horrible. How did he die?
Person 1: Heart attack.

Other than the tense (we were talking about his upcoming funeral), that's how the conversation went between my brother and I the day MJ died.
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Old September 21st, 2009, 02:18 AM   #164
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chinasmurf View Post
• Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
If you can stand the Southern version, here's that story the way I first heard it..
http://www.podcastdirectory.com/podshows/690689

Click on the headphones

Brother Dave is the truth, man...sumpin or 'nother look like glory...
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Old September 21st, 2009, 08:46 AM   #165
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> > Roping A Deer
> >
> >
> > Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well:
> >
> > I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
> > it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
> >
> > The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since
> > they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of
> > me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
> > the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
> > should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its
> > head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
> >
> > I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
> >
> > The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
> >
> > They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed
> > up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the
> > end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
> >
> > The deer just stood there and stared at me.
> >
> > I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
> > good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell
> > it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
> >
> > I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on
> > the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is
> > that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
> > rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
> >
> > That deer EXPLODED!
> >
> > The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
> > stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
> > could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
> >
> > A deer? No chance.
> >
> > That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
> > it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
> > started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
> > deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
> > imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as
> > many other animals.
> >
> > A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
> > off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
> > to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of
> > the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
> > venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that
> > rope.
> >
> > I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
> > would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
> > love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
> > and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
> >
> > Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
> > cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
> > large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
> > clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
> > some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
> > didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
> > it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -- a little trap I had
> > set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
> > and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
> >
> > Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
> > have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
> > I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
> > wrist.
> >
> > Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
> > just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its
> > head --almost like a mad dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.
> >
> > The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
> > draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
> > ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
> > minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
> >
> > I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
> > now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right
> > arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was
> > when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
> >
> > Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
> > back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
> > are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --
> > like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
> > easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
> > aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
> > down a bit so you can escape.
> >
> > This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
> > not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
> >
> > I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
> >
> > The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
> > that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in
> > the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all,
> > besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
> > turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me
> > down.
> >
> > Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
> > leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
> > they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
> > laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
> >
> > I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
> >
> > So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
> > scope to sort of even the odds.
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Old September 21st, 2009, 07:49 PM   #166
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Old September 21st, 2009, 08:37 PM   #167
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1000th post

OK boys and girls, I did it, this is my 1000th post.

so it is time for a and another joke. I looked over the unread posts that I have and was looking for one to actually help someone with my extensive background in aviation maintenance, but since no one on here needs help fixing their personal military helicopter, I have to resort to telling manure jokes. I know this is a great milestone for some people and a "yeah whatever" to those that have " a lot". (ahem) Now after the , it is now So now I return you to the official forum joke page.

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common..

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening


After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term!
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Old September 22nd, 2009, 05:22 AM   #168
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Congrats on your 1,000th post nb!!!


A man
goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as
a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female
doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new
procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy obeys
and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn
over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a
deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says,
'99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now
take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins,
'One ... Two ... Three'...
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Old September 22nd, 2009, 08:13 PM   #169
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Old September 24th, 2009, 05:17 PM   #170
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Free Sex with Fillup

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex..

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."
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Old September 24th, 2009, 05:24 PM   #171
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That's great
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Old September 24th, 2009, 07:01 PM   #172
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MOTM - Jul '18, Nov '16, Aug '14, May '13
Small (very, very small) Ninja jokes. Insert rimshot between each one:


Did you catch the Ninja parade? No? Not surprising. Nobody else saw it either.



I parked my Ninja and when I turned around to look at it, it had disappeared.


nyuk, nyuk....
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Old September 24th, 2009, 09:24 PM   #173
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Elderly woman goes to elderly dating service. Tells the dating service employee she wants a man with regular bowel movements. Employee said ok but do they have to voluntary or is involuntary ok?
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Old September 29th, 2009, 07:43 AM   #174
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Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.
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Old September 29th, 2009, 09:37 AM   #175
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Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Old September 29th, 2009, 09:40 AM   #176
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Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
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Old September 29th, 2009, 05:36 PM   #177
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Old September 30th, 2009, 09:58 AM   #178
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Old September 30th, 2009, 10:03 AM   #179
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Old September 30th, 2009, 10:08 AM   #180
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Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old October 13th, 2009, 05:39 AM   #181
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The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
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Old October 13th, 2009, 05:07 PM   #182
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Old October 18th, 2009, 08:36 AM   #183
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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses"

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Old October 19th, 2009, 05:57 AM   #184
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Old October 20th, 2009, 07:26 PM   #185
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Moms in Group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
> mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
> observed..

> To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
> You've even named your daughter Candy."

> He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
> Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

> He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
> too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

> At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
> little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no
> idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
> school and go get dinner.
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Old October 20th, 2009, 07:28 PM   #186
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said,'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office
puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly
noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an
old mini van with two flat tires.'
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Old October 20th, 2009, 07:28 PM   #187
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said,
Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'
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Old October 20th, 2009, 07:29 PM   #188
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Old October 21st, 2009, 06:30 AM   #189
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninjabrewer View Post
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said,'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office
puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly
noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an
old mini van with two flat tires.'


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Old October 21st, 2009, 07:29 AM   #190
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LOL guys ... well i got a short one ....
what do you call a chinese retard ? SOME-TING-WONG
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Old October 30th, 2009, 07:13 AM   #191
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After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work that morning..
Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going 205 kph.
So bust him, says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: A senator?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Prime Minister?
Cop: Bigger.
Well, said the Chief, who is it?

Cop: I think its God!

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?

Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!
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Old October 30th, 2009, 07:41 AM   #192
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Old November 7th, 2009, 10:00 AM   #193
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THE MEMORIAL STONE

Billy died... His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jan..

"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue.

The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."


Jan computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My Goodness ,how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."
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Old November 11th, 2009, 05:51 PM   #194
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BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
>>>>
>>>> DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
>>>> All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up...
>>>> Really excited.
>>>>
>>>> DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
>>>> Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice
>>>> man.
>>>>
>>>> DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
>>>> At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf
>>>> balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for
>>>> dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
>>>> attentive.
>>>>
>>>> DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
>>>> Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to
>>>> have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious
>>>> meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
>>>> declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
>>>>
>>>> DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
>>>> Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for
>>>> rest of day. Captain saw me, bought
>>>> me several large drinks. He really is charming. Again asked
>>>> me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He
>>>> told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was
>>>> shocked.
>>>>
>>>> DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
>>>> Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice
>>>
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Old November 12th, 2009, 06:12 AM   #195
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Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.
> "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
> Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
> "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
> chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
> "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids.
> "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.
> "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
> Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!
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Old November 16th, 2009, 11:21 AM   #196
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A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it? 'The doctor asked.'

Actually, yes, I do.

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No... I rather like it.

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if That's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from.'
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Old November 16th, 2009, 12:38 PM   #197
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Old November 19th, 2009, 12:19 AM   #198
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Ok, over the next few days I'm going to share a few funny stories for your reading pleasure. I might have to do a little editing for ummm choice words lol.

Story #1:

Larry Miller's Five Stages of Drinking


LEVEL 1:

It's 11.00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."


LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."


LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (Like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep ... and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."


LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bar tending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf. This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar ...just because you don't like his face. And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best-looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ... after-hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well ... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well ... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...cool.


LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as ... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!" and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five ~~ the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you, and they know. And they say, "Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"
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Old November 19th, 2009, 11:17 PM   #199
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The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.


Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy sh1t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh1t- faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

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Old November 19th, 2009, 11:29 PM   #200
sombo
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Name: Mike
Location: Windermere, FL
Join Date: Feb 2009

Motorcycle(s): 2012 Harley Davidson XL883L Sportster Superlow

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Roping A Deer

Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer? No chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -- a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a mad dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
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