Jokes?

[talldrink]

TOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY

[HKr1]

[ninjabrewer]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW .......
>
> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I
> was maybe 2 1/2 years old.. Someone had given me a little
> 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my
> favorite toys.
>
> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
> when I
> brought Daddy a little cup of
> 'tea', which was just water. After several
> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
> Mom came home.
>
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
> bring him a cup
> of
> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My
> Mom waited, and sure enough,
> here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy
> and
>
> she
> watches him drink it up.Then she says, (as only a mother
> would know.. :-)
>
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can
> reach to get water
> is the toilet?'

[jonthechron]

A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

[mrlmd]

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[BlueRaven]

[Snake]

Mark those are some great confucius jokes!

[CC Cowboy]

Some people are like slinkies...
they're really good for nothing

...But they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.

[talldrink]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[talldrink]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

[littledog]

Ah what a wonderful fun waste of time this thread has been.


Here are a couple very lame ones I know.


My Dad tells this one:

A snail is upset because his friends make fun of him for being so slow. He decides to do something about it, he goes to the corvette dealer and buys himself a corvette. So that his friends will know it is him driving, he paints an "S" on the side He hot rods past his buddies hang out place. They notice, and remark, "Wow, look at that S car go"



My Minister friend told me this one.

The Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
The Muslims do not recognize the Jews as the chosen people of God.
And the Baptists do not recognize Each Other in the liquor store.


And the ones my kids have told me at least 100 times:


Q: What is shaking at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A nervous wreck


Walk up to some one and sniff. Say "You smell like up dog"
You want them to say "What is up dog?"
To which you reply "Not much how bout you?"

[ninjabrewer]

Originally Posted by littledog

Ah what a wonderful fun waste of time this thread has been.



My Minister friend told me this one.

The Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
The Muslims do not recognize the Jews as the chosen people of God.
And the Baptists do not recognize Each Other in the liquor store.

heard that one before although a little different

Three religious truths,

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah,
Protestants do not recognize The Pope as the leader of the Christian Church and Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooters


Both funny

nb

[rockNroll]

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked,

"sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

the old farmer said,

"that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."

"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent.

"we can't allow animals in the theater."

the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer

unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"marge," whispered mildred.

"what?" said marge.

"i think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"what makes you think so?" asked marge?

"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.

"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"

"i thought so too", said mildred,

"but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

[mrlmd]

Sound familiar?

[mrlmd]

Life from beginning to end summarized in 4 bottles

[ninjabrewer]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Motorcycle wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

[CC Cowboy]

The Pope and Pelosi


The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded the bitch - the crowd went wild

[backinthesaddleagain]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again..

Your loving wife.
XXX







P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[SteveL]

Two
priests are in a Vatican bathroom using
the urinals.

One
of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest
and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm, not your penis.'

The other
one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm
down to two butts a day.'

[CC Cowboy]

Only a Montana man…



A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he
went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles
rippled across his chest. She gasped.. Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[ninjabrewer]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


URL: http://able2know.org/topic/121430-1

[Flow]

Sad thing is most of this is true. My cat taking a dump these days is a matter of national security

When you look back on the past, life was much simpler. We laughed at things that were innocent and silly. The jokes we shared were safe for everyone to hear and if it was a little more for the grown ups then the kids knew to go hang out in their rooms.

Kids didn’t interrupt adults when they were talking unless the house was on fire or little Johny fell into the toilet.

You knew your postman by name and the milkman used to leave a fresh jug of milk on the porch every other day.

Families sat down and actually ate dinner together-unbelievable!

And even more unbelievable-Families actually watched a TV program together and I’m not talking about the MTV Awards.

Things have changed all over, but today we will have a Fun look at:

THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED IN SCHOOLS IN THE LAST 50 YEARS– Lets Look At 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before
school, pulls into school parking lot with
shotgun in gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at
Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his
shotgun to show Jack.
2007 – School goes into lock down, FBI
called, Jack hauled off to jail and never
sees his truck or gun again. Counselors
called in for traumatized students and
teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a
fistfight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and
Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives,
arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with
assault, both expelled even though Johnny
started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class,
disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a
good paddling by the Principal. Returns to
class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin.
Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School
gets extra money from state because Jeffrey
has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his
neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time,
grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child
abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. State psychologist tells
Billy’s sister that she remembers being
abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes
some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal
out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from
school for drug violations. Car searched for
drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes
English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU
files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher.
English banned from core curriculum. Pedro
given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak
English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover
firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in
a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a
red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2007 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI
investigates parents, siblings removed from
home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad
goes on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during
recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him
to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better
and goes on playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual
predator and loses her job. She faces 3
years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.

[adouglas]

Okay, so it's a day late...


Jesus is walking down the road and comes upon a mob about to stone a woman accused of adultery to death.

He jumps in front of the woman, raises His hand and says,

"Stop! Let that one among you who is without sin cast the first stone!"

Suddenly a rock comes flying out of the crowd and glances off Jesus's head.

He looks around for the person who threw it and says in exasperation,


"Mom!!!!!"

[bobguy]

So this guy walks into a bar.................................................ouch.

[noche_caliente]

Originally Posted by bobguy

So this guy walks into a bar.................................................ouch.

[CC Cowboy]

He's turning white

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barack got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked
in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.
In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,
gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!"

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

[ninjabrewer]

Cowboy and Ol' Blue
> >
> > A young cowboy from West Texas goes off to Texas
> A&M. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly
> squandered all his money.
> > He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe
> what modern education is developing!
> > They actually have a program here in College Station
> that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
> > "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue
> in that program?"
> > "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy
> says. "I'll get him in the course."
> > So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
> >
> > About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the
> money again runs out. The boy calls home.
> > "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
> > "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but
> you just won't believe this - they've had such good results
> they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
> > "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get
> Blue in that program?"
> > "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
> >
> > The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
> problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
> the dog can neither talk, nor read. So the boy shoots the
> dog.
> > When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
> father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait
> to see him read something and talk!"
> >
> > "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
> morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in
> the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the
> Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to
> me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with
> that little redhead who lives down the street?"
> > The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten
> liar before he talks to your Mother!"
> > "I sure did, Dad!"
> > "That's my boy!"
> >
> > The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
> Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[midknight]

Originally Posted by ninjabrewer

North/South
*
If you are from the northern states and are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
*
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
*
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
*
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
*
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
*
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
*
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
*
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
*
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
*
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
*
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

and your point is???

[ninjabrewer]

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.

"Yep." was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Green Streak]

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

[ninjabrewer]

found this on the internet, supposedly had been posted somewhere on craigslist


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[ninjabrewer]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Mary!'

[ninjabrewer]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'

[ninjabrewer]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'


'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[ninjabrewer]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[ninjabrewer]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[ninjabrewer]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[ninjabrewer]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

[Flow]

Originally Posted by ninjabrewer

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Mary!'

I'd personally be relieved by news like that. No need to threaten several teenage boys a day with a third shoe.

[ninjabrewer]

Originally Posted by Flow

I'd personally be relieved by news like that. No need to threaten several teenage boys a day with a third shoe.