I really hate it when...

[corksil]

I spend two hours cleaning my entire floor, spotless, sterile, ready to eat soup out of the toilet bowl, ready to lick any floor/surface/wall/ceiling -- anything in the house is disinfected and devoid of anything resembling filth.

Then the god damn cat comes marching in, tracking mud from the door to the sink, splashing water all over the damn counter and wall, then tracking mud over to the food bowl, flipping 30 kibbles out on the floor and leaving them to be stepped on by me, drooling all over everything, then marching more mud up onto the desk, all over the keyboard, drooling on the pillow, window, windowsill, all over the damn place.

The real cherry on top is when cat finally parks his fuzzy butt on the bed in the wake of his destruction... looks around, feels satisfied with the chemical warfare he has inflicted upon the once-clean house...

Then sticks his little foot as high in the air as he can (How do they get their toes 9 inches above their heads??!?) -- and begins the repetitive "My neck is itch" scratching maneuver. And with every single scratch, he fires ~10+ white hairs into the updraft of the ceiling fan, leaving me nothing to do but sit and watch from my chair -- in slow motion -- as the hairs drift upwards, catch the sideways air-draft of the fan, and then are fired out in all directions to a distance of over six feet on to any and every freshly cleaned horizontal surface in the house within range.

It's as if this cat is educated. It's as if this cat understands physics. It's as if this cat understand advanced particle dynamics, calculus, advanced algebra, aeronautical engineering, doctorate level ballistics, microbiology, macro-biology, string theory... and that's just scratching the surface.. Somehow his scientific prowess exceeds mine -- and I esteem myself to be an educated man. Even as it unfolds before my very eyes, I cannot fathom the precision this furred animal has put into his calculations to determine the 'hair trajectory' behind his campaign to cover every single surface in the house with white fuzz.

It really takes the wind out of a man's sails. I'm feeling broken and abused, battered and worn from a long battle, hopeless and despondent. I just don't know what to do. I feel so used. And all this little bastard is doing, is sitting there on my pillow, shedding hair all over the damn place --which I will probably inhale in my sleep, and cough out tomorrow -- staring at me smugly.

WHYYY MEEEE?!?!

And I know for a fact that this little mofo will wake me up at precisely 5am, when the first bird outside utters the first audible noise in an otherwise silent forest -- by sticking his middle finger into my nostril until the lack of oxygen reaches my brain, awaking me violently with a massive dose of "fight or flight" adrenaline-based neurochemicals. At that point I will have a grave decision to make --- "feed the cat, with feeble hope that it will let me return to my slumber, watch the demon that torments me grow bigger and stronger, cement my future fate more deeply as "cat slave" --- OR --- option TWO -- "not feed the cat, and abandon all hope of returning to slumber and grimly resign to begin my day bleary eyed and sleep-deprived, facing 12 hours of grueling physical labor on an un-rested mind."

The pet-rights-activists at PETA never encountered a four-legged demon so foul. Never before has a creature so vile, so evil -- so riddled with hatred and over-abundant-angst, walked god's green earth.

His foul temper is only exceeded by his malice. His rage is only toppled by his insensitivity.

Sorry guys I have to go, my communist hitler cat has re-entered the building and demanded more snacks and tupac gansta-rap playing on the loudspeaker system. If I don't obey, I fear I may be his next victim... he's delivered the heads of 2 smallish lizards on my pillow since I began this post, and I hear the sounds of a large rat thrashing around in the throes of death on the porch just outside my window. As of late, cat has decided to hunt bigger game more in comparison to his size. He brought home a small crocodile which he must've caught down by the river the other day. I fear that it is only a matter of time before my cat fancies me rather as a snack than as a provider of snacks.

Sincerely, abused 'human-against-pets-rights-activist.'
-tc

[corksil]

Bonus gif of my cat calculating ballistic coefficients and trajectory inferences to send the maximum amount of ass-hair onto any and every horizontal surface in the house.

[corksil]

And then I'm left alone in a thread with no replies for being a crazy cat owner.

It can only get worse from here.

[Desmoluci]

[Desmoluci]

[corksil]

I will be having nightmares tonight.

[antiant]

Link to original page on YouTube.